Category: Humor

  • Holiday Reflections: Stories of Love and Laughter

    Holiday Reflections: Stories of Love and Laughter


    Season’s Greetings, O Cyberspace Friends! We are now one week away from Christmas, and I searched the archives to find your holiday favorites over the past fourteen years based on your “likes” and comments. This was initially published here on December 21, 2016, under the title Dear Santa, Send Boxing Gloves; but it is an excerpt from my first book, Deep in the Heart: A Memoir of Love and Longing, published by Red Letter Press in 2007.

    “Dear Santa Claus, how are you? I am fine.

    I have been pretty good this year. Please bring me a pair

    of boxing gloves for Christmas.  I need them.

    Your friend, Sheila Rae Morris”

    “That’s a good letter,” my grandmother Dude said. She folded it and placed it neatly in the envelope. “I’ll take it to the post office tomorrow and give it to Miss Sally Hamilton to mail for you. Now, why do you need these boxing gloves?”

    “Thank you so much, Dude. I hope he gets it in time. All of the boys that I play with have boxing gloves. They say I can’t box with them because I’m a girl and don’t have my own gloves. I have to get them from Santa Claus.”

    “I see,” she said. “I can understand the problem. I’ll take care of your letter for you.”

    Several days later it was Christmas Eve. That was the night  we opened our gifts with both families. This year Dude, Mama, Daddy, Uncle Marion, Uncle Toby and I went to my other grandparents’  house down the hill from ours. With us, we took the See’s Candies from Dude’s sister in California, Aunt Orrie, plus all of the gifts. I didn’t like to share the candy, but it wouldn’t be opened until we could offer everyone a piece. Luckily, most everyone else preferred Ma’s divinity or her date loaf.

    The beverage for the party was a homemade green punch. My Uncle Marion had carried Ginger Ale and lime sherbet with him and mixed that at Ma’s in her fine glass punch bowl with the 12 cups that matched. You knew it was a special night if Ma got out her punch bowl. The drink was frothy and delicious. The perfect liquid refreshment with the desserts. I was in heaven, and very grownup.

    When it was time to open the gifts, we gathered in the living room around the Christmas tree, which was ablaze with multi-colored blinking bubble lights. Ma was in total control of the opening of the gifts and instructed me to bring her each gift one at a time so she could read the names and anything else written on the tag. She insisted that we keep a slow pace so that all would have time to enjoy their surprises.

    Really, there were few of those. Each year the men got a tie or shirt or socks or some combination. So the big surprise would be the color for that year. The women got a scarf or blouse or new gloves for church. Pa would bring out the Evening in Paris perfume for Ma that he had raced over to Mr. McAfee’s Drug Store to buy right before he closed.

    The real anticipation was always the wrapping and bows for the gifts. They saved the bows year after year and made a game of passing them back and forth to each other like old friends. There would be peals of laughter and delight as a bow that had been missing for two Christmases would make a mysterious re-appearance. Ma and Dude entertained themselves royally with the outside of the presents. The contents were practical and useful for the adults every year.

    My gifts, on the other hand, were more fun. Toys and clothes combined the practical with the impractical. Ma would make me a dress to wear to school and buy me a doll of some kind. Daddy and Pa would give me six-shooters or a bow and arrows or cowboy boots and hats. Dude always gave me underwear.

    This year Uncle Marion had brought me a jewelry box from Colorado. He had gone out there to work on a construction job and look for gold. I loved the jewelry box. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any jewelry.

    “Well, somebody needs to go home and get to bed so that Santa Claus can come tonight,” Daddy said at last. “I wonder what that good little girl thinks she’s going to get.” He smiled.

    “Boxing gloves,” I said immediately. “I wrote Santa a letter to bring me boxing gloves. Let’s go home right now so I can get to bed.”

    Everybody got really quiet.

    Daddy looked at Mama. Ma looked at Pa. Uncle Marion and Uncle Toby looked at the floor. Dude looked at me.

    “Okay, then, sugar. Give Ma and Pa a kiss and a big hug for all your presents. Let’s go, everybody, and we’ll call it a night so we can see what Santa brings in the morning,” Daddy said.

    **********************

    “Is it time to get up yet?” I whispered to Dude. What was wrong with her? She was always the first one up every morning. Why would she choose Christmas Day to sleep late?

    “I think it’s time,” she whispered back. “I believe I heard Saint Nick himself in the living room a little while ago. Go wake up your mama and daddy so they can turn on the Christmas tree lights for you to see what he left. Shhh. Don’t wake up your uncles.”

    I climbed over her and slipped quietly past my sleeping Uncle Marion and crept through the dining room to Mama and Daddy’s bedroom. I was trying to not make any noise. I could hear my Uncle Toby snoring in the middle bedroom.

    “Daddy, Mama, wake up,” I said softly to the door of their room. “Did Santa Claus come yet?” Daddy opened the door, and he and Mama came out. They were smiling happily and took me to the living room where Mama turned on the tree lights. I was thrilled with the sight of the twinkling lights as they lit the dark room. Mama’s tree was so much bigger than Ma’s and was perfectly decorated with ornaments of every shape and size and color. The icicles shimmered in the glow of the lights. There were millions of them. Each one had been meticulously placed individually by Mama. Daddy and I had offered to help but had been rejected when we were seen throwing the icicles on the tree in clumps rather than draping them carefully on each branch.

    I held my breath. I was afraid to look down. When I did, the first thing I saw was the Roy Rogers gun and holster set. Two six-shooters with gleaming barrels and ivory-colored handles. Twelve silver bullets on the belt.

    “Wow,” I exclaimed as I took each gun out of the holster and examined them closely. “These look just like the ones Roy uses, don’t they, Daddy?”

    “You bet,” he said. “I’m sure they’re the real thing. No bad guys will get past you when you have those on. Main Street will be safe again.” He and Mama laughed together at that thought.

    The next thing my eyes rested on was the Mr. And Mrs. Potato Head game. I wasn’t sure what that was when I picked it up, but I could figure it out later. Some kind of game to play with when the cousins came later for Christmas lunch.

    I moved around the tree and found another surprise. There was a tiny crib with three identical baby dolls in it. They were carefully wrapped in two pink blankets and one blue one. I stared at them.

    “Triplets,” Mama said with excitement. “Imagine having not one, not two, but three baby dolls at once. Two girls and a boy. Isn’t that fun? Look, they have a bottle that you can feed them with. See, their little mouths can open. You can practice feeding them. Aren’t they wonderful?”

    I nodded. “Yes, ma’am. They’re great. I’ll play with them later this afternoon.” I looked around the floor and crawled to look behind the tree.

    “Does Santa ever leave anything anywhere else but here?” I asked. Daddy and Mama looked at each other and then back at me.

    “No, sweetheart,” Daddy said. “This is all he brought this year. Don’t you like all of your presents?”

    “Oh, yes, I love them all,” I said with the air of a diplomat. “But, you know, I had asked him for boxing gloves. I was really counting on getting them. All of the other boys have them, and I wanted them so bad.”

    “Well,” Mama said. “Santa Claus had the good common sense not to bring a little girl boxing gloves. He knew that only little boys should be fighting each other with big old hard gloves. He also realized that lines have to be drawn somewhere. He would go along with toy guns, even though that was questionable. But he had to refuse to allow boxing gloves this Christmas or any Christmas.”

    I looked at Daddy. My heart sank.

    “Well, baby,” he said with a rueful look. “I’m afraid I heard him say those very words.”

    ******************

    I was 61 years old when Deep in the Heart was published, but I got a pair of black boxing gloves the following year for Christmas – better late than never, Santa, thank you very much. A different Santa brought me a pair of pink boxing gloves after reading my letter another decade later in this space. This Santa hoped my mother would have approved if the boxing gloves were pink.

    From our family to yours, wherever you are and whoever you call family, Pretty and I send our warmest wishes for love and laughter to you during this holiday season. Surely Santa will understand if you were just a little bit naughty… 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Christmas Cacti and Bojangles: Seeing Red in the Upstate and Pink on Cardinal Drive

    Christmas Cacti and Bojangles: Seeing Red in the Upstate and Pink on Cardinal Drive


    Pretty and I are spending more than our usual amount of time in Landrum, which is in the upstate of South Carolina at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains just south of the South Carolina/North Carolina state line. For those readers who follow us regularly, you may recall Pretty’s childhood home was in the upstate; and many family members still live in the area.

    For years we drove past a Bojangles restaurant on every trip when we took the Landrum Exit off I-26.

    typical Bojangle’s fast food restaurant

    Landrum Bojangles turned Bo-jingles for the holidays

    Santa apparently wants biscuits instead of cookies this year

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch on Cardinal Drive in West Columbia, our outdoor decorations depend on the revival of the colorful cactuses in our back yard.

    I do love a holiday cactus (fingers crossed for survival!)

    our granddaughters wonder if Santa can find us?

    ********************

    Please stay tuned.

  • Nana’s Little House: Where Light and Creativity Shine

    Nana’s Little House: Where Light and Creativity Shine


    Nana made sure granddaughters’ little house had light

    thank you, Nana!

    Ella, the artist, admiring her work with Sharpies

    whew – that took a lot more time than she thought it would take

    Molly admiring the artist, her big sister

    Ella celebrated her coloring project with Cheetos

    Cheetos weren’t encouraged at her house, but Nana allowed

    Ella also celebrated by climbing behind Naynay –

    and sitting on her head!

    (now that was fun)

    The girls always find a way to make us smile, and this past weekend was no exception. We are thankful for them and their parents!

    Please stay tuned.

  • Test Your Knowledge: Female Icons of the 80s

    Test Your Knowledge: Female Icons of the 80s


    I am all over the place with this piece because I’ve gone down one too many rabbit holes doing my research on two of my favorite female musicians. Honestly, y’all, is there anything sacred – anything at all unavailable to a persistent person if you keep searching into people’s pasts?

    Pop Quiz on Three Musical Ladies from the 80s

    1. One of these women was born in Arkansas but called Houston, Texas, her home. Was it: a. Cynthia Clawson b. me c. K.T. Oslin
    2. Two of these women graduated from Milby High School in Houston, Texas. Were they: a. Cynthia Clawson and me b. K.T. Oslin and me c. Cynthia Clawson and K.T. Oslin
    3. One of these women attended Lon Morris College in Jacksonville, Texas. Was it: a. K.T. Oslin b. Cynthia Clawson c. me
    4. Other notables from Lon Morris College include the following: a. Margo Martindale b. Tommy Tune c. Johnny Horton d. All of the above
    5. One of these women had a father who coached football at Louisiana College in Pineville, Louisiana. He died in Lufkin, Texas, at the age of 39 when this little girl was 5: a. me b. Cynthia Clawson c. K.T. Oslin
    6. One of these women had a mother who taught her how to sing and play the piano. She also taught her music class at elementary school in the seventh grade: a. K.T. Oslin b. me c. Cynthia Clawson
    7. Who signed her first major recording contract at 45 years of age? a. Cynthia Clawson b. K.T. Oslin c. me
    8. Which woman and/or women never married? a. me b. K.T. Oslin c. Cynthia Clawson
    9. Who died from Covid-19 with an underlying condition of Parkinson’s and heart disease in December, 2020, at the age of 78? a. K. T. Oslin b. Cynthia Clawson c. me
    10. Whose daddy was a Baptist preacher? a. mine b. Cynthia Clawson’s c. K.T. Oslin’s

    *************************

    Answers

    1. K. T. Oslin was born in Crossett, Arkansas, on May 15, 1942, but moved to Texas with her brother and mother who had family there. She went to high school in Houston, graduated from Milby High in 1960, took music from Mrs. Claire Patterson who herself had graduated Milby in 1949.
    2. Cynthia Clawson was born on October 11, 1948, in Austin, Texas, and also graduated from Milby High in Houston, studying music from the same teacher, Mrs. Claire Patterson. Cynthia finished high school in 1966. (I didn’t go to Milby High in Houston – Columbia High in West Columbia, Texas – born in Navasota, Texas on April 21, 1946, high school diploma in 1964, really shouldn’t be mentioned in the same breath with the other two women)
    3. K.T. Oslin studied drama/theater at Lon Morris College, a two-year Methodist college in Texas near the oil fields of Kilgore. She also formed a folk music trio with David Jones and singer-songwriter Guy Clark while she was at Lon Morris. The three sang in a variety of venues around Texas during her college years.
    4. All of the above.
    5. c. K.T. Oslin. Her father played football in high school and then coached at Louisiana College for two years before resigning to return to his home town of Crossett, Arkansas, to work in the paper industry.
    6. b. That would be me. My mother insisted I practice the piano for 30 minutes every day after school from the time I was in the first grade. When I was in the seventh grade, she took me for private lessons to Sam Houston College in Huntsville once a week. I studied music in high school, sang tenor in the choir and then graduate work to become a minister of music at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary from 1969-1971. Unfortunately, my voice teacher advised me to return to my original career path with my CPA certificate and undergraduate business degree from UT in Austin. There was no place for me in Southern Baptist Churches, she said.(Meanwhile, Cynthia Clawson graduated from another Baptist College, Howard Payne University, in 1970 and won the Arthur Godfrey Talent Show on TV her senior year of college. She was off and running on her impressive musical career.)
    7. K.T. Oslin signed her first major contract in 1986 at 45 years of age. In April, 1987, RCA produced a song Oslin had penned herself, 80s Ladies, which became a major hit. The song won the Grammy Award for Best Female Country Vocal Performance and Song of the Year at the Country Music Association Awards. Oslin became the first female to win Song of the Year recognition.
    8. Cynthia Clawson married Ragan Courtney in 1973. They had collaborated on the religious musical Celebrate Life in the early 1970s when she recorded the songs that became the inspiration for renewed interest in gospel music for youth choirs across the country. In Addition to her Grammy Award in 1981 for Best Gospel Performance, she has received numerous other accolades in the genre. In 1985, Clawson’s rendition of the hymn Softly and Tenderly became part of the soundtrack of the Academy Award winning movie A Trip to Bountiful. I married Pretty as soon as I legally could in 2016 after living with her for fifteen years. K.T. Oslin never married.
    9. On December 21, 2020, K.T. Oslin died from Covid-19 with underlying causes of Parkinson’s and heart disease. She was living in an assisted-living facility in Nashville, Tennessee, where she had lived when her Parkinson’s dictated the move. She was buried in Woodlawn Memorial Park next to another country music legend, Tammy Wynette.
    10. Cynthia Clawson’s dad was a Baptist preacher known as “Brother Tom” Clawson. He died November 3, 2015, at the age of 91 from natural causes in his home in Conroe, Texas.

    80s Ladies by K.T. Oslin

    We were three little girls from school
    One was pretty, one was smart
    And one was a borderline fool
    Well, she’s still good lookin’
    That woman hadn’t slipped a bit
    The smart one used her head
    She made her fortune
    And me, I cross the border every chance I get

    We were the girls of the 50’s
    Stoned rock and rollers in the 60’s
    And more than our names got changed
    As the 70’s slipped on by
    Now we’re 80’s ladies
    There ain’t been much these ladies ain’t tried

    We’ve been educated
    We got liberated

    And had complicating matters with men
    Oh, we’ve said “I do”
    And we’ve signed “I don’t”
    And we’ve sworn we’d never do that again
    Oh, we burned our bras
    And we burned our dinners
    And we burned our candles at both ends
    And we’ve had some children
    Who look just like the way we did back then

    Oh, but we’re all grown up now
    All grown up
    But none of us could tell you quite how

    We were the girls of the 50’s
    Stoned rock and rollers in the 60’s
    Honey, more than our names got changed
    As the 70’s slipped on by
    Now we’re 80’s ladies
    There ain’t been much these ladies ain’t tried

    80s Ladies is one of my favorite songs, written by one of my favorite singer-songwriters, and I wanted to say I am thankful for her music that spoke powerfully to me in the years leading me to the 1990s revolution beginning with the 1993 March on Washington that was my personal introduction to activism in my queer community. Cynthia Clawson carried me musically through my gospel music experiences in the 1970s. I listen to both of these women faithfully on my playlist as long as Alexa lets me.

    I encourage you to look up old YouTube videos, or try to catch an interview like the one I’m including below. K.T. had quadruple bypass surgery in 1995. King asked her about it when he interviewed her in 1996.

    Larry King Interview on CNN with K.T. Oslin

    No, I was really close to it. I just started feeling terrible. I mean, when you hindsight and look back, you can see your steady decline of energy over a period of years. But last summer was the thing. I’d get out there and try to mow this little lawn that’s about the size of this table. And I’d get about half way through it, and oh my chest would be hurting. And I’d go, girlfriend, you are just really out of shape. And it got worse, and worse. And finally the third time I mowed the lawn in the summer, I just got about two feet done, and I said that’s it. There is something really wrong.

    And I had the classic chest pain running down the arm. And I thought, oh, it’s your heart, don’t think about it. I just didn’t want to think about that. And so we tested it, and yes I had sky-high blood pressure, sky-high cholesterol. I was just falling apart. And so, tested me, we did the angiogram. And they said, they got very quiet. Everybody was chatting, love your album, love your song, love everything. And then the pictures came up on the screen, and they all got quiet. And I thought, oh my God. They said, well we’re going to do the operation. I said, when? They said, tomorrow. So, bam, you make out wills, you’re crying, weeping.

    ********************

    RIP, K.T. I hope you’re singing with the angels.