I'll Call It Like I See It

by sheila morris

Category: Slice of Life

  • I don’t want another dog or another husband


     

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    My mother Selma (left) and my Aunt Lucille

    in their younger days

    My mom was relatively infamous in our family for her conversations which she uttered more like pronouncements than regular chit-chat. You know, the kind of awkward things that made everyone uncomfortable, and I do mean everyone because her speaking voice was louder than most. She had no indoor voice.

    For example, “I wish all those gay people would go back in the closet. I’d slam the door on them myself,” was a personal favorite she occasionally pulled out of abstract thin air with absolutely no relevance to what anyone else was saying. Since all my family members recognized I was a lesbian except her, that tended to be a real deal-breaker for further small talk. People coughed or mumbled something inane as they melted away from her at family gatherings. My dad’s sister Lucille could handle my mother better than anyone with just a quiet, “Now, Selma…”

    As the years went by, my mother developed more mantras that became her touchstones which I now realize she needed in her life of quiet desperation as she slipped away from herself behind the barricade of dementia that must have made her so afraid.

    “I don’t want another dog or another husband,” was one of her select quotes in the years after her second husband died of leukemia. She did have many dogs in her 85 years – but she had been no Elizabeth Taylor husband collector – only two for her.

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    Mom and her last dog Alex

    Perhaps the mantra that affected me most – even more than her preference for gay people in the closet – was, “I am never lonely, and I am never bored.” This was truly an alternative fact for her because, of course, she was both.

    My maternal grandmother had been plagued with depression in the 1960s, and my mom had been responsible for managing her treatment options. I was a teenager at the time, but I have vivid memories of my mother’s carrying my grandmother to an array of doctors, clinics and hospitals before finally bringing her home to live with my parents. Mental illness in the 1960s wasn’t pretty or easy to deal with.

    Apparently some doctor somewhere told Mom her mother needed more to do since she wasn’t working anymore. Mom tried to interest her in countless books, recipes, puzzles and finally gave her a needlepoint sewing kit to make an elaborate tablecloth and 8 napkins which, as I recall, she ended up finishing herself when my grandmother was unable to concentrate on it.

    “I am never lonely, and I am never bored,” was Mom’s final defense against an enemy she didn’t know she had and one which may or may not have had any connection to the enemy which stalked my grandmother. I’ll never know for sure because she forgot all of her mantras in the last four years I was with her – even the one about where the gay people belonged.

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  • Despite Countless Warnings, I…


    …browsed through the AOL news this morning. I know, I know. My friend Dick Hubbard is shaking his head in dismay if he is reading this right now. “Please don’t read the AOL news,” he’s warned me over and over again. “You’ll be sorry.”

    Ha, ha, ha, said I to myself. What could happen on a Sunday morning that would either (a) bewilder me (b) mildly annoy me or (c) raise the level of my blood pressure which has been WAY too high recently. Thank goodness for my wellness exam that uncovered my old friend Hypertension who my doctor reminded me was the Silent Killer. More meds, please. Thank you very much.

    When I have distractions like the Australian Open for two weeks or the current Gamecock men’s and women’s basketball season or the Gilmore Girls original series on Netflix with Pretty every night or my cyberspace Words with Friends, Yushino and Word Bubbles or God forbid, I actually read a book or even more unlikely, work on my new short story which has so many threads I can’t figure out how to put Humpty Dumpty together again or who shot who which for a mystery is troubling – I really have no time to read the AOL news.

    Today, as I was hopelessly bored while I waited for Pretty to get up and get dressed for our brunch with Pretty Too and Pretty Too+ later this morning, I mistakenly read a few stories in the news and found a few that piqued my interest and, sadly, fit my categories. Sigh.

    (a) Bewildering – HGTV Flip or Flop stars Christina El Moussa and Tarek El Moussa who are apparently in the process of a divorce were together at an investment seminar in Las Vegas.

    This was bewildering to me since the only reason I even know who these people are is because I watch them at my orthopedist’s office for the two hours I wait to see him but I had no idea they were getting a divorce. I also never know whether to flip or flop.

    (a-1) More and more Texans are doing “doomsday digging” – the survivalist bunker business is booming these days. Seriously? The mind races with underground shelters fighting for territory with moles that are frantically fleeing to Mexico.

    (b) Truly annoying – Kellyanne Conway has hired a chief of staff. I really don’t know what to think about that and the fact that my tax dollars are paying for her to have a chief of staff. What good can come of this? Hm…perhaps the chief of staff can help to connect her mouth to her brain which would be a monumental achievement. I heard Ivanka Trump will be designing the wardrobe for Kellyanne’s new hire.

    (b-1) The foods for a better sex life are, unfortunately, not in my basic food groups; sugar, the WORST food in the world to eat if you want any kind of good health, IS, unfortunately, my basic food group.

    (c) The Trump cabinet and its $1 trillion-dollar connection to Exxon – now that raises my blood pressure, I’m sure.

    Enough of this. Pretty is up and ready to go to brunch, thank goodness. And tomorrow the Lady Gamecocks play the number one team in the nation, UCONN.  I will avoid the news like the plague this week and faithfully take my lisinopril every day. Can’t say the same about avoiding sugar.

    Oh, well. You can’t have everything.

    Stay tuned.

     

     

     

     

  • Which Anniversary to Celebrate?


    Sixteen years ago today I stepped onto an airplane with Pretty to begin a spontaneous first trip to Cancun, Mexico. I had no way of knowing the day would be the beginning of the most important adventure of my life because at that moment I was more nervous than I possibly had ever been in my previous fifty-four years. Petrified.

    First of all, I never did anything spur-of-the-moment and this trip had been planned for exactly two days. Secondly, I had taken off work days during the week to make the trip – I rarely took days off from work. And third, I wanted to impress Pretty with my spontaneity and reckless abandon because I thought I needed all the help I could get to change our fledgling romance into a full-bloomed happening.

    As we landed in Atlanta in the early morning, I was disappointed to see the airport bar didn’t open until 9 o’clock, but I made sure we waited in chairs that faced the bar so that I would be the first person to race in for a screwdriver when the gate was raised. I needed fortifying.

    When we touched down in Cancun, I had been fortified again by the stewardess who served spirits in the air; my spirits were high by the time we landed. Pretty, on the other hand, remained loyal to her Diet Cokes.

    The Cancun trip was memorable for more reasons than I can discuss in this PG blog, but one of Pretty’s favorite stories from the trip was our floating in an inner tube down a section of river beside one of the tourist stops we made on a guided tour outside Cancun. Once again, I had been fortified by tequila shots I happily shared with our waiter at lunch and agreed to dash over to wait in line for our turn to hop into a shiny black inner tube with Pretty to join scores of other fun-loving gringos enjoying the sun as they leisurely hand-paddled their make-believe boats down the beautiful, calm river.

    Unfortunately, I had forgotten to mention my water phobia to Pretty who was quite taken aback when I sat frozen on the top of the tube and was unable to help paddle it. The tequila shots were no match for my fear of falling out of the tube into the river.

    Gone was any more pretense of the reckless adventurer – my true sober self revealed itself to Pretty when she had to jump out of the tube and swim to shore – pulling the tube and me along with her. She always laughs when she tells this story.

    We both loved the trip, and we both agree it was one of the most fun times we’ve had. It was the beginning of an amazing life that continues to produce laughter on a daily basis. We are lucky, and we know it.

    So this is an anniversary we can celebrate today, but we will also celebrate our first anniversary on April 24th, the day we legally married in 2016.

    Why not celebrate both?

    Thank you, Pretty. Where you lead, I will follow…if you need me to be with you, I will be there.

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    having dinner in Cancun – February 09, 2001

     

  • GRAND SLAM GREATS!


    It’s a wrap. The first tennis Grand Slam of the 2017 season is officially in the books, and the hits just keep on rolling.

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    The Williams Sisters share a private chat…

    while waiting to collect the spoils

    that belong only to the victors

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    Serena wins her 23rd. major and the big cup,

    but Venus didn’t lose in this tournament

    I am awarding Venus and Serena Williams The Red Man’s Memorial Paw Snaps and Twirls – the highest honor possible for two American women who personify persistence and perseverance to be the very best in their sport and in so doing, prove repeatedly that they are both the images of true champions. Their love of family speaks volumes about their character, and their love of playing tennis is a gift we can all appreciate and be grateful for.

    You rock, girls – keep going. Records are made to be broken.

    And then came the men’s final with Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer. Another gut-wrenching five-set match for the ages. As Australian commentator Darren Cahill said, “It’s a privilege to be able to be here and watch this amazing final.” I felt the same way sitting in the bleacher seats at Casa de Canterbury – how lucky am I to see these two passionate competitors one more time in a major final. Hooray for great tennis!

    Roger won his 18th. Grand Slam which increases his lead over Nadal and Sampras who are tied at 14. Roger was once again the Swiss Magician as he worked his magical aces and unusually magical backhands.

    australian-open-2017-mens-final

    Relief and Reflect – savor the moment

    will this be the last?

    Thirty-five used to be ancient for a professional tennis player, but Roger Federer defies the norm and continues to prepare to play at the championship level even after a six-month sabbatical from the tour to recover from a knee injury. This year the tennis gods were aligned to give him a great ride in the Australian Open, and I enjoyed celebrating with him and his team early this a.m. when he won.

    I am also awarding Roger Federer The Red Man’s Memorial Paw Snaps and Twirls Award for performance above and beyond the realm of mere mortals as he vanquished the little yellow ball and his own fears in a clash of wills as much as skills.

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    Lordy, lordy.  Charly and I are exhausted from our live coverage of the Australian Open. We left the comfort of our king-sized bed every morning at 3:00 a.m. to go downstairs to indulge my passion for watching the matches as they were happening a world and many time zones away. Viva Australia – whatever day it is for you – I can never keep up, but I love you and my Australian followers mucho.

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     Onward to the French Open in the spring.

  • Throwback Thursday? No Way! Throwback Australian Open!


    If I could turn back ti-yahhhhhmmmme, as Cher famously sang, or if I could put time in a bottle, as Jim Croce once crooned, I’d have quite a few wishes involving the positioning of certain body parts and the lubrication of others (knees, naughty readers). But I can’t turn back time.

     I will leave time travel to the four finalists in this year’s 2017 Australian Open: Serena Williams and Venus Williams in the women’s final, Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal in the men’s.

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    A Midsummer Night’s Dream Down Under

    1st time in Grand Slams all 4 finalists in their 30s

    The Williams Sisters have been the poster girls for American tennis for almost twenty years. Venus who is now 36 years old will play her 35-year-old younger sister Serena for the trophy in the tournament where they first played each other professionally in 1998. Let’s go over that again.

    Venus and Serena Williams first played each other away from their sandlot version of tennis for real at the Australian Open in 1998 – nineteen years ago. Venus won and has beaten Serena 10 more times since then, but Serena leads the overall series 16 – 11. Venus is the oldest woman to reach the finals in the Open Era and has overcome enormous personal physical challenges to play tennis at all, never mind at the championship level. She hasn’t been in a final in Melbourne since 2003. That’s a long wait.

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    Serena is a woman on a mission for her 23rd. Grand Slam title which would put her in a championship class of her own ahead of Steffi Graf who now shares the most Major title wins with her at 22.

    “For us both to be in the final is the biggest dream come true for us…a Williams is going to win this tournament…” Serena said after her semi-final win.

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    The Williams Sisters of yesteryear

    Tick, tock, tick, tock…tennis days are fewer in the future than they were in the past for these two great American tennis icons, and I can’t wait to have my sleep interrupted one more night tonight to join them via the magic of the little screen at 3:00 a.m. ET in Australia.

    If Pretty didn’t know better, she’d think I’d been having an affair for the past two weeks. And in a way, I have.

    Roger Federer. Rafael Nadal. I can’t believe two men could give me so much pleasure, but I confess they have made me as happy when they’ve won Grand Slams on tennis courts through the years as the Lady Gamecocks do when they win bouncing bigger balls on a gym floor.

    Roger and Rafa have played each other 34 times – nine of those have been in a Grand Slam final. Rafa has won 23 to Roger’s 11, but the Swiss Magician will have an extra day of rest before the men’s final in Melbourne Sunday morning, and that makes a difference in body recovery time.

    And is it just me, or does Nadal seem to have to exert twice the energy Federer does to get the same winning results over his opponents?

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    The Nadal family ecstatic after his semi-final win

    Both Nadal and Federer were tested by grueling five-set matches in the semi-finals by younger competition; yet somehow, somewhere within themselves the great ones seem to find one more backhand up the line, one more forehand cross-court winner,one more ace, one more crouching volley at the net, one more overhead swing before the ball bounces, one more whatever to carry themselves to match point.

    Whether graceful or grinding or some combination thereof, they persevere for years longer than they have to – or probably should force themselves to – because they have what so few younger players have these days: a passionate love for the game of tennis. It’s not about the money, folks, for these legends. It’s about the little yellow ball – and what they want to do to it.

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    My heart is with Venus and Rafa, but I’ll be satisfied with one of the best Australian Opens in my memory regardless of who holds the trophy.

    Game on.