Category: Humor

  • Between Hell And Hackeydam


    Seems like I’ve been off on some “heavy” topics for a good while, and I needed a breath of fresh air.  I remembered this post I had about Bubba Sage and saw that I wrote it almost exactly two years ago on October 17, 2012.  I loved reading it again and thought you all might, too.  Enjoy.

     

    Once upon a time not long ago and certainly not far away a great Texas storyteller held forth on a Sunday afternoon as his audience gathered around a small dining room table, and it  was my good luck to be there for the performance.  He was the last guest to arrive for the barbecue luncheon and proved to be quite the addition to a little band of friends and family who gathered for a traditional birthday celebration for my cousin Martin.  I should’ve known I was in for a treat when Carroll “Bubba” Sage announced his presence with an entrance worthy of royalty.  This very large man with a closely trimmed grey beard moved into the kitchen as the screen door slammed behind him.  He balanced a homemade German chocolate cake in a single layer aluminum cake  pan as he came in, and the energy in the little house went up a notch.  When he retrieved a package of coffee he’d brought and declared he never went anywhere without his own Dunkin’ Donuts coffee because he couldn’t possibly drink anything else with his cake, my antenna was up and ready for the ride.

    And what a ride it was…Bubba grew up as the younger child of parents who owned and operated what was affectionately known by its patrons in the 1950s as a “beer joint.”  He was born and raised in Navasota which was, and is sixty years later, a small town in Grimes County, Texas, a county that was dry back in those days so his folks opened their establishment across the Brazos River in Washington County which was wet.   Dry county equals no adult beverages allowed.  Wet county means go for it.  In addition to serving beer, the best barbecue and hamburgers in the state made the place standing room only for a long time, according to Bubba’s stories.  I know that barbecue from years of chasing brisket in Texas hole-in-the-wall restaurants and could visualize the scene as Bubba’s daddy cooked the barbecue outside behind the tavern on a long open pit built out of bricks with a crusty black grill to put the meat on.  I swear I could smell the aroma, or maybe that was my cousin’s chickens and sausage cooking outside in a smoker for our lunch.

    And my, oh my, talk about entertainment.  The Sage Place had music on the weekends and Bubba’s daddy played fiddle in the band.  As Alabama sings, if you’re gonna play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddler in the band.  The women’s petticoats swirled to the fast music and then swayed to the slow tunes as they danced the Two-Step.  The female patrons particularly liked the little boy who was always there and let him wear their costume jewelry sometimes when they saw him eyeing it with lust in his eyes.   He was in heaven.

    The young boy grew up and became one of the teenagers that puffed the Magic Dragon in the middle of the Brazos River at a place he and his friends appropriately dubbed Smokey Point.  They also created a theater of sorts at Smokey Point and Bubba developed a reputation as the Star of the Brazos.  I was mesmerized by this big man’s recitations at our dining table.  He took me totally by surprise when he began quoting a section of Young Goodman Brown, an obscure short story by the nineteenth century novelist Nathaniel Hawthorne.   I could picture him at Smokey Point as the Brazos River flowed past the dramatics.

    As all good storytellers do, Bubba threw in a few words and phrases to grab his listeners’ attention and he grabbed mine when he said, “I’ve had  close calls and been caught between hell and hackeydam more times than I like to remember.”   Excuse me I said as I interrupted him.  But what does that mean and how do you spell it?   Bubba laughed and said it was like being between a rock and a hard place and a phrase his family used but that he had no idea how to spell it so I’ve spelled it phonetically and will now use it as if I’d thought it up myself.

    The lunch was delicious.  Bubba’s German chocolate cake was the best I ever tasted and that includes both of my grandmothers’ efforts so that’s high praise.  I stayed to play dominos after we ate and then began to say my goodbyes and thanks for the day when the game was over.  As I cut a piece of cake to take with me, Bubba made one final rendition in the kitchen.  He recited portions of “The Hill”  from Edgar Lee Masters’s Spoon River Anthology which ends with the line, “… all, all are sleeping on the hill…”

    Honestly, does it get any better than that?

  • Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (J.R.R. Tolkien)


    One of the best second chances I’ve had in my life has been returning to the place where I started from sixty-six years ago.   My new book I’ll Call It Like I See It includes my first impressions of this experience of buying a house  nearly two years ago in a town that’s eighteen miles from where I grew up in the piney woods of rural southeast Texas.  Reconnecting to family members and old friends who remain in the area and driving the back country roads of my childhood  have brought unexpected comfort and sheer delight during an otherwise difficult time .  I hope you’ll buy the book and read it online or in paperback and that you’ll find the collection of personal essays entertaining and possibly even challenging as you take a fresh look at topics ranging from faith to football and everything in between.

    Today I stand (or sit) at the end of my nearly two years in Texas, and I realize I must be a wanderer.  Surely to Betsy, as my grandmother used to say when she was certain about anything.  No doubt about it.  They call me the wanderer, yes I’m a wanderer, I go round and round and round and round and round.   Thank you Dion and the Belmonts for the  bull’s eye lyrics.  I left Texas the first time in 1968 and moved to Seattle, Washington, and then I came back to Fort Worth in 1969 for two years before returning to the Pacific Northwest for another eighteen months and then moving across the country to Columbia, South Carolina in 1973 where I settled down for thirty-seven years.  Too old to wander, I had thought, but not so much.

    In 2010 I wandered right on back to where the lust for wandering was born and began a nomadic life roaming between two houses I called home.  An unexpected turn to be sure, but an understanding partner gave me permission and encouragement to temporarily wander away from her and our home in South Carolina to spend time with the women whose love had influenced me in my earliest years and throughout my life.  Not all who wander are lost, and sometimes your ramblings are rewarded.

    My years in Texas have been good ones and I was present and accounted for during my mother’s battle with Alzheimer’s disease and my favorite aunt’s life-threatening illness last summer.  My ninety-two-year-old aunt survived and our visits continue with laughter and fun together as we gossip about family and I eat a piece of a freshly baked coconut pie which she inisists is no trouble to make.  My mother didn’t survive, but I treasure the memories of her smiles when I walked in to see her and the assurance she had at the end of her life that her daughter truly loved her and wanted to be with her.

    I love the Texas house on Worsham Street in the little town of Montgomery and the people in the neighborhood are a dream team for me.  My dog Red has the most piercing annoying bark ever created and he regularly tries my patience as he patrols the fence in the front yard, but my neighbors pretend not to notice.   Everyone on the street has more animals than I do, even if you  count the ones I have in South Carolina, and that makes for my idea of heaven.

    The leaves are falling from the oak trees in my Texas yard and the last blooms of my crape myrtles are drying on the branches so I know autumn is in the air, and I also know I’ll soon be driving the thousand miles north and east across the southern states to reclaim my spot in a king-sized bed I’ve missed.   If you’re looking for a stranger, there’s one coming home to you in South Carolina, but she’ll wander back to Texas for sure.   She always does.

  • Takin’ Any Comfort That I Can


    I’ve been too long in the wind, too long in the rain,

    Takin’ any comfort that I can.

    Lookin’ back and longin’ for the freedom of my chains

    and lying in your loving arms again.

    ——  Kris Kristofferson

    For the past few days I’ve been haunted by these lyrics and of course I couldn’t remember the third line exactly so I researched the words on the infallible source of all information: my computer.   It knows everything and I am always curious about HOW it knows everything but then I accept its wisdom and move on.  For example, I discovered that Kris Kristofferson wrote the song and recorded it with Rita Coolidge.  I wasn’t surprised really because Kris is a wonderful lyricist and sang with a number of women through the years.   I was totally surprised, though, at the list of artists who had recorded the Loving Arms ballad.   Olivia Newton-John.  Dobie Gray.  Glen Campbell.  Mr. Presley himself.  Kenny Rogers.   And more recently, the Dixie Chicks.  I was also stunned to learn that I can send the tune to my cell phone as a ringtone.   I’ll pass on that opportunity for now.

    I digress.  It’s common for the words of a country music song to occupy my mind for  several days.  I like country music.  I listen to country music when I’m driving around in my old Dodge Dakota pickup by myself.  When I’m in Texas, I typically leave the kitchen radio set to the country legends station in Houston and turn the radio on as soon as I get up in the morning– right before I pop the top of my first Diet Coke of the day.   I turn it off late in the evening and the little click the radio makes is my own version of Taps.

    I digress further.  I tried today to reflect on the words and why I had the song in my head in a kind of loop.   I’ve been too long in the wind, too long in the rain.   Over and over again I sing it.   Sometimes I even sing out loud, but mostly it’s inside.   Were those the lines that mattered?   Was that the secret code?   Nope.  No more suspense.  No more digression.   The key word is comfort.   Takin’ any comfort that I can.  I love the word Comfort.  You can have your words Solace and Console and Ease and Reassure if you want to.   Give me Comfort.   Seriously, give me comfort.  Give us all comfort.

    Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.  I’m not too sure about this beatitude, but I’ll let it slide because I’d like to believe it.   All of us who mourn shall be comforted.  Our frontage road of grief will slowly merge into the passing lanes of optimism and hope if we are willing to pay the toll required to enter.  We pay a price for the passing lanes that make our travels easier as we watch our grief fade away in the rear-view mirror, IF we are fortunate enough to have the resources within ourselves to cover the costs.

    Obviously I have recently been on vacation in the northeastern part of the United States where I spent too much time and money on tollways.

    And now I know the third line of the song perfectly.  Lookin’ back and longin’ for the freedom of my chains.  What a great line it is, too, but that’s a subject for another story and I’ll let you ponder it on your own  while I say good night and take my comfort in two loving arms again.

    P.S. This was originally posted last August, and I find myself once again preoccupied with the need for comfort after the loss last week of my aunt who was one of the most important women in my life.  She was the last intimate connection to a generation in my family that represented the best of my childhood recollections and yet became a close friend in my adult years.  I was lucky – really lucky – to spend more time with her in the last year than I had been with her in the previous forty.  We had a good time together.  We laughed a lot.

    Mostly, though, I will miss her love of my writing.  She wanted to read every word I wrote and always said it was wonderful.  Each time one of my stories failed to win the money prize, she said it would happen next time.  She believed in me and my stories and loved me unconditionally.   It is difficult to say goodbye.  Instead, I will say good night to my favorite aunt from her favorite niece.

  • Sidetracked


    Yes,  I have totally gone off the tracks with my Songs of the Show Boat series.   I will get back to the songs because I enjoy the memories they evoke, but I researched a couple of blackface vaudevillians who were regulars on the radio show and I was uncomfortable about these two characters of Molasses and January and their connection to De Camptown Races by Stephen Foster.   The thing is I remembered “talent” shows in the small rural East Texas town where I grew up and recalled the popular blackface performers in the school auditorium and then I cringed and then I was horrified and then I gave up on trying to write about these two guys entirely.   Call me a coward.

    Never underestimate the heart of a champion is a phrase I heard this week from an NBC Olympic commentator, but for the rest of us mortals the struggle for courage is ongoing and asks us to stand up not once, not twice, not every four years – but each time we encounter prejudice and wrongdoing in any form for as long as we live.   The insidious nature of wrongs against each other requires our constant vigilance lest we give in to letting the voices of hate rant and rave around us without a word of protest.

    Faith, focus, finish.   These words are the training mantra for Manteo Mitchell from Cullowhee, North Carolina who broke his leg while running in the first leg of the men’s 4×400 meter relay preliminaries today in London.  He continued to run for the half a lap he had to finish after he felt the break.   I found this to be a remarkable effort regardless of how we define faith, but how do we sustain our focus and finish a race that lasts a lifetime instead of a lap?

    As you can see, I’ve watched too many Games of the XXX Olympiad for the last two weeks and the stories of the athletes inspire me and always remind me of the power of humans to overcome incredible adversity to go for the gold.   The theater for us won’t be as spectacular as the London games.   As a matter of fact, we may be at the grocery store or tailgating with friends before a football game this fall or maybe choosing a place to go for a chikin’ sandwich.  Regardless, it’s our chance to make a difference that is as game-changing as the gold medal is for the athletes who win in London this summer.   Game on.

  • Songs Of The Show Boat – Oh My Darling Clementine


    Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry Clementine.”

    A radio favorite on the Maxwell House Show Boat in the 1930s, Oh My Darling Clementine is attributed to one Percy Montrose (1884) but this American western folk ballad had questionable origins and a variety of lyrics.  The Show Boat Four, a male quartet  plus piano, had a soloist sing each of the four verses they used in their arrangement with the quartet chiming in with harmony on the chorus.

    The Show Boat Four

    The male quartet complete with appropriate Maxwell House coffee cups included from left to right Randolph (Tubby) Weyant, Harold R. “Scrappy” Lambert, Leonard Stokes and Bob Moody.  At the piano is Kenneth Christie who also handled arrangements for the four.  According to Songs of the Show Boat – A Collection of Favorite Songs That Never Grow Old, Tubby Weyant was first tenor and began his career as a soloist in a New York church.   Scrappy Lambert was second tenor and started his musical professional efforts by organizing his own jazz orchestra while he was attending Rutgers University.   Leonard Stokes was the baritone in the group and worked his way through the University of Missouri as a singing instructor.  The bass, Bob Moody, graduated from “Pathe ‘shorts’ to concert appearances.”   Ken Christie got started by playing tuba in a high school band.   Blow, baby, blow.   The most popular of the four, Scrappy Lambert,  was a backup singer for many orchestras of the 1920s and 30s and was one of the most prolific vocalists of that time according to radio historian David Lobosco.

    In a cavern in a canyon, excavating for a mine, Dwelt a miner, forty-nin-er, and his daughter Clementine.

    I definitely knew the chorus of My Darling Clementine and could sing it without skipping a word or note even though I missed the Show Boat quartet’s radio rendition.  On the other hand,  verse one I’d need a little help from my friends to be sure of the lyrics, but I would have recognized them without a doubt.   Frankly, the other three verses of Clementine floored me.

          Light she was and like a fairy and her shoes were number nine,  herring boxes without topses, sandals were for Clementine.  (Verse 2)

    Drove she ducklings to the water, ev’ry morning just at nine, hit her head a-gainst a splinter, fell into the foaming brine.  (Verse 3)

    Ruby lips above the water. blowing bubbles soft and fine.  Alas for me, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine.  (Verse 4)

    Somehow in my mind the chorus and verse one conjured up images of a loved one lost.   I could go with a father who lost his daughter, I think, but my instinct was to just sing the chorus and in my own romantic storytelling I pictured a sweetheart separated forever from her one true love.   You are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry Clementine.   Think poor man’s version of the final scene in Casablanca.   Here’s looking at you, Clementine.

    At any rate, in the Show Boat song Clementine was not a dainty heroine.   She wore size nine sandals.  I put that in the category of too much information.  Also,  I don’t know how anyone could make sandals out of herring boxes, but then as the old saying goes Necessity is the mother of invention.  Score Clementine high on the creativity scale and also off the charts on kindness for hustling the little ducklings down to the water every morning.   And then deduct points for going too close to the water when she clearly can’t swim.   She hits her head against a splinter which must be the biggest splinter in the world because it knocks her into the water and we see in verse four that she drowns for lack of a lifeguard.   I have to say I never learned these verses.

    The good news is the legend of Clementine lived on.  Luckily, alternative lyrics were created and the mystique of her melody became the theme song in the sound track of John Ford’s 1946 classic western My Darling Clementine starring Linda Darnell in the title role.   No mention was made of her shoe size or any ducklings in the film.

    In the rock ‘n roll years of the 1950s and 60s Bobby Darin and Jan and Dean created their own Clementine tunes and more recently in the 2004 film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kate Winslet’s name is Clementine and she isn’t happy about it.

    I have gone over the deep end and must come back so I will close with this alternative stanza I found among the ruins of countless verses never sung by The Show Boat Four (plus piano).

    Now you kids may learn the moral of this little tale of mine, Artificial respiration would have saved my Clementine.