I'll Call It Like I See It

by sheila morris

Category: Humor

  • are Carport Kitty and Bully Cat an item?

    are Carport Kitty and Bully Cat an item?


    Every new relationship has its highs and lows – peaks and valleys can be expected. Carport Kitty and I are no exception; we have developed a pattern I call Now you see me, Now you don’t. I leave you to surmise who’s the Now you don’t see me actor.

    Yesterday I made a plan to skulk (as opposed to stalk) around Neighbor John’s driveway on my early morning walk to try to catch a glimpse of Carport Kitty who was in the Now you don’t see me phase for the past three days. I peered over his hedges as I walked down Cardinal toward home and saw that only one of John’s trucks was there. When I reached his driveway and could see above the hedges, I looked anxiously for CK. No cat in sight. Sigh. Major disappointment. I was about to just walk on by when I looked down, startled to see a multicolored ball of fur sitting very still near my feet.

    …calmly curled at the bottom of the driveway next to the street…

    Carport Kitty soaking up the early morning sun

    I told Pretty when I got home I was sure CK would be dropping in for a Fancy Feast meal at some point during the day since she had clearly been waiting for me plus I knew she’d been impressed by my reminding her of the yummy meals we served in our carport (even though she never acknowledged my presence by a glance in my direction). Pretty shook her head and repeated her mantra I think she’ll show up when she’s hungry. Pretty stands by her cattitudes.

    Alas, she was neither hungry nor thirsty yesterday apparently. Now you don’t see me was still in effect.

    Today was a new day. Would I ever see Carport Kitty again, I wondered.

    Why, yes. Late this afternoon someone was hungry.

    She waited at the bottom of the kitchen steps while I prepared fresh water and her dinner. She didn’t rush to eat but seemed to be keeping an eye out for something or someone else. I thought I had seen the blur of Bully Cat leaping in the air and running away when I opened the kitchen door to pick up Carport Kitty’s food bowl. To quote Tweety Bird, I ‘tawt I taw a puddy tat.

    Maybe CK was afraid to eat because Bully Cat lingered in the bushes somewhere. I stood guard while Carport Kitty ate.

    I spotted Bully Cat at the edge of our yard next to the fence

    Ha. He sees me guarding poor pitiful Carport Kitty’s dining experience with her over the shoulder fearful glances.

    She carefully ate her Fancy Feast broiled chicken pate, and then she walked away but hid under our car. Now why would she do that? She knew I was protecting her from Bully Cat.

    she left her Meow Mix – someone had drawn closer

    Bully Cat enjoyed the dry food left by Carport Kitty

    Thanks to my followers who are much more cat savvy than I am – you recognized the possibility of a food scam and figured my relationship with Carport Kitty was apt to be a threesome.

    Bully for you!

    ************

    Stay safe, stay sane, get vaccinated, Happy Thanksgiving! and stay tuned.

  • joining the community of lesbian cat lovers

    joining the community of lesbian cat lovers


    Carport Kitty has dropped by around dinner time for the past two late afternoons and I, as Pretty predicted, make sure to rush her food to the carport before she has time to think I have failed her. No sign of Bully Cat. And no sign of Carport Kitty following her Fancy Feast and Meow Mix. She is not one to linger for a visit, but she has at a minimum allowed me to give her a quick rub when I set her food down. This was the extent of our relationship.

    She stopped coming by in the mornings to eat so I assumed Neighbor John must be a bed and breakfast arrangement for the heated condo accommodations. However, I walked past his house on my regular early morning walks with my eyes turned toward John’s driveway just in case Carport Kitty might be up and about for a stretch in the sun. I hadn’t seen her at his house for a while until this morning.

    There she was sitting in Neighbor John’s driveway

    I stopped to chat but kept my distance in the street. How were things working out for her in the heated condo? Did she like her friends who roomed with her at night? How was the breakfast and by the way, I have delicious Fancy Feast at our carport this morning if you’re interested. Otherwise, I will see you for dinner.

    Carport Kitty running toward me

    To my astonishment I felt movement behind me, turned, and saw Carport Kitty actually trotting behind me like one of my dogs would do. Evidently mentioning the food made an impression.

    The next thing I heard was the sound of garbage trucks rumbling down the street behind me, and I thought (being the Alarmist Pretty thinks I am) of the irony in the story I would tell of how I was welcomed with my newly minted membership in the Cats for Lesbians Club only to have that membership revoked because Carport Kitty had been killed by men who didn’t care about animals.

    The men did care, though, and slowed their gigantic commercial vehicles as Carport Kitty leaped in front of me and raced up our driveway. I moved as fast as I could to get her breakfast. Close call.

    As CK dined, I noticed from my kitchen spying post she ate quickly, glancing around like something bothered her. I fed the dogs, then went back to check on her only to find Bully Cat having a go at the food. First of all, I think I showed improvment in my cattitude by not opening the door with hysterical obscenities. No, no, no.

    I opened the door which caused the Bully Cat to retreat to our garbage cans – not a full retreat – but not disrespectful. I appreciated that and simply said you have to go away because Carport Kitty needs me more than you do. (Maybe I waved my arms a little with a Shoo or two.)

    Bully Cat did retreat across the street, Carport Kitty finished her breakfast. My membership in the community of lesbian cat lovers is temporarily secure.

    **********

    Stay safe, stay sane, get vaccinated and please stay tuned.

  • Bully Cat returns, but I am conflicted

    Bully Cat returns, but I am conflicted


    Late yesterday afternoon I peeked down at our back door steps through the glass in the kitchen door because it was about Carport Kitty’s dinner time, and I wasn’t about to miss her visit – our only time to bond since she now resided at Neighbor John’s heated cat condo.

    But what to my wondering eyes did appear on the top step where Carport Kitty usually waited for me?

    The horrid Bully Cat! The Bully Cat who appeared for all the world to think HE was coming to dinner – what on earth possessed him?

    Well, I sprang into full frenzy mode – I jerked the door open, shouted obscenities, waved my arms in the air and followed him as he made his way out of the carport. Interestingly, my diatribe didn’t seem to scare him as much as it did me. He ran, then stopped periodically to see if the hysterical old woman was still following him, then ran again, stopped, repeated. Finally he made his way across the street and down the hill.

    I was furious, fuming and flabbergasted all at the same time. Needless to say Carport Kitty was nowhere to be seen for her food yesterday.

    During my morning walk today, I thought I caught a glimpse of the Bully Cat a block up from our house. I was walking in a different direction so I couldn’t be sure. Then I was 100% positive when he confronted me five minutes later.

    He stopped, seemed to be weighing his options

    he came over to me as if we were the best of friends,

    my tirade forgiven

    then Bully Cat slowly sauntered on

    When he walked off, I thought he looked a little thinner. I wondered if he was getting enough to eat. Sigh.

    But when I got home from my walk, someone was waiting for me.

    hello, is it me you’re looking for?

    ************

    Stay safe, stay sane, get vaccinated and please stay tuned.

  • the return of the cat formerly known as Lilibets

    the return of the cat formerly known as Lilibets


    Following the incidence with the Bully Cat in our carport three weeks ago, and perhaps coincidentally with much cooler weather, sightings of Lilibets went dark. That is to say, as quickly as the stray cat made us her new best friends, she vanished. Pretty and I became alarmed when she didn’t make her normal breakfast and dinner times but assumed she must be “wintering” at Neighbor John’s house in the heated condo he provided. Perhaps he now served Fancy Feast, too. I skulked outside John’s house so many times looking for a glimpse of the cat I was afraid I might be mistaken for stalking. (Skulking a lot is not the same as stalking.)

    Being the Alarmist that Pretty knows and calls me, I began to imagine the cat had been mauled by the Bully Cat, lay meowing for help, dialing 911, being run over in the road because that is how an Alarmist’s imagination works…until…

    Last week I passed Neighbor John’s house on my regular morning walk and who should I see sitting as big as you please in the sun in his driveway but our cat Lilibets. Naturally, I began to speak to her, to tell her we missed her, wouldn’t she like to drop by for a meal every once in a while. She looked at me with utter disdain, as if I had been a complete stranger making a fool of myself. I picked up the fragile pieces of my heart and walked home.

    When I relayed this story to Pretty, she said Okay, this cat is officially all yours. When I protested, she said no, no – all yours.

    This morning was a glorious fall day for my walk.

    Coming down Cardinal this morning

    Passing by Neighbor John’s house, I gave my usual check for Lilibets, and what do you think I saw?

    Lilibets herself under Neighbor John’s truck in his driveway!

    Again I called to her, said how happy I was to see her, how had she been? Nothing. I was apparently dead to her. Somewhat sadly I walked the few houses down to our driveway where I saw her water and food bowls Pretty had bought for her when she named her Lilibets.

    I saw Neighbor John’s truck go past as I walked up the kitchen steps and waved to him. He didn’t wave back.

    Then I went inside to do the regular feedings for Spike, Charly and Carl but came back outside a few minutes later only to spy her royal highness Lilibets.

    I wasted no time in preparing her favorite meal.

    she wasted no time in eating it

    Such a happy ending for an Alarmist. Who knows when my cat will return, but when she does, her new name will be Carport Kitty.

    **************

    Stay safe, stay sane, get vaccinated and please stay tuned.

  • let’s talk infrastructure – better days ahead

    let’s talk infrastructure – better days ahead


    Life is messy, to quote a favorite Pretty-ism, and governing in a democracy of 333,600,000+ citizens is as messy as it gets. While electing 435 Representatives and 100 Senators to enact legislation that will “form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity” sounds like a sensible plan, well…even the preamble to the Constitution occasionally gets lost in translation.

    President Joe Biden’s ambitious agenda reflected in a House bill called the Infrastucture Investment and Jobs Act passed in the House of Representatives by a vote of 228 yeas to 206 nays (with 13 Republicans voting yes and 6 Democrats voting no) as the clock approached midnight on November 5th., nearly three months after the Senate passed its version of the bill on August 10th. – three months of very public internal disagreements among Democrats that insured no domestic tranquility in the Congress amid plummeting poll numbers for Biden. Messy politics.

    So what’s in it for me, you ask. Why should I care?

    Hm. Raise your hand if you are tired of overcrowded interstate highways patched together with crazy glue, holding your breath in fear as you cross crumbling bridges over the rivers or angst about fires in the woods on the way to grandmother’s house for the holidays, racing to archaic airports unable to handle the traffic in the air above them or the press of the passengers scurrying to different gates for connecting flights in terminals, cringing at the idea of drinking water from your kitchen tap, worried about climate change but so overwhelmed with the concept you have no idea whether recycling is a myth, the skyrocketing price of gasoline for a car too old to be a hybrid or driving a new electric car in a frantic search for a charging port, hoping you will have WI-FI when your children attend school in cyberspace, wishing you had a mass transit system that wasn’t created in 1904, and wondering if the grid for your power will hold during surges for heat in the winter or whether you will be sitting in the dark, freezing, with thoughts of burning your tax returns for survival.

    Yes, my fellow American citizens, I see your hands raised in frustration, anger, doubt, about the intelligence and/or integrity of your elected officials who seem to be incapable of playing well together when the game is on the line. I feel your pain – my hand is raised high above the white hair on my head. Hint to elected officials: the game is on the line.

    Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, come blow your horn. There should be joy in America tonight mixed with gratitude for legislation promising better days ahead that will propel our nation’s infrastructure into the 21st. century. President Biden’s campaign promises to improve prosperity for ourselves and our posterity haven’t struck out. Indeed, he is still at bat in the White House, and he’s swinging for the fences. You go, Joe.

    *********

    Stay safe, stay sane, get vaccinated and please stay tuned.