I'll Call It Like I See It

by sheila morris

Category: Humor

  • Breaking News! Top Secret National Security Meeting in Situation Room of the White House

    Breaking News! Top Secret National Security Meeting in Situation Room of the White House


    Knock, knock said someone who was outside the situation room.

    Who’s there? shouted President Humpty Dumpty who sat in the middle of a long oak conference table, surrounded by old white men he knew best – those he could trust implicitly to maintain secrecy for the matters involving the country’s current directions under consideration. Maga, Maga, Magoos. Hey, hey.

    McDonald’s delivery, Mr. President, replied the young male voice on the other side of the door to the situation room. I have your two Big Macs, two orders of fries, plus eight Heinz ketchup packages, extra salt. One chocolate shake. The same order I brought you yesterday.

    Somebody let this guy in, said President Dumpty in his loud voice. Bring me the food, bring me the food. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.

    Dr. Wizard interrupted as a quiet murmur circulated throughout the group of twenty faithful MAGOOS who were shaking their heads. Mr. President, I don’t think this food is good for you at your age. We just celebrated your 79th. birthday over the weekend. Your diet is much more important now for your overall health to get a beautiful medical report.

    Hey, Wizard, I count on you for the beautiful medical reports, answered President Dumpty. If my report isn’t as beautiful as the one we used before the election, you’re fired. Everyone at the table changed their head shakes to emphatic nods.

    Tom Sawyer had opened the door to the situation room and retrieved two McDonald’s food bags from the delivery boy who waited in vain for a tip, sighed, and closed the door behind him. Sawyer took the food to President Dumpty who immediately began to eat. The aroma of cheeseburgers and fries filled the room while Sawyer sat down next to his friend Huckleberry Finn. The two exchanged glances.

    All of a sudden President Dumpty threw a Heinz ketchup pouch at Dr. Wizard. What the holy f–k is this? he shouted. Whoever heard of pink ketchup? Smells like RFK Jr. BS to me. I let that freak get away with the vaccine drama because I could care less about measles, but when he starts messing with my ketchup, he’s gone too far. I want him gone. Somebody make a note.

    No one moved until Atticus Finch remarked there could be legal repercussions with firing RFK Jr. this early in the administration. The President threw another ketchup package at Finch who dodged successfully.

    You people annoy the hell out of me, President Dumpty said. I’ve had a beautiful idea of how to improve security to keep criminals and rapists from crossing along the southern border. Tomorrow I’m flying down to Texas to inspect the wall personally. I’ve asked the military to set me at the top of the highest section and plan to wave at the losers trying to cross from Mexico. No one understands our national security like I do. Meeting adjourned.

    The next day, true to his word, President Humpty Dumpty flew to Texas and a Marine helicopter lowered him to a small chair at the top of the wall. Unfortunately, when he turned around to address the throngs of people below on the Mexican side, his beautiful plan became a disaster as he fell to his death on the American side. President Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, and no one could put him back together again.

    Dr. Wizard became President. RFK Jr. was allowed to continue his war on vaccines and food dyes.

    Stay tuned.

  • In the Beginning were the Frogs

    In the Beginning were the Frogs


    Whenever we have a big rain, I have to check our swimming pool skimmer at night and early in the morning to make sure none of the frogs that come out to talk to each other and to us get caught in it. I call it my Frog Rescue program. The following is from a post I wrote five years ago, but the frogs are as noisy as ever.

    ***********************

    You can blame this on the frogs

    While Pretty and I talked on our porch last night, I tried to explain to her what was going through my head on this first day of my 74th. summer. The sounds from our porch were connected to the sounds of my earliest memories of summer when I slept in a small double bed with my maternal grandmother while a cheap oscillating fan turned slowly from side to side as it valiantly tried to cool us in the hot humidity of an East Texas heat a thousand miles away from South Carolina, a heat that would not be relieved by opening every window on the porch where we slept or the random whisper of cool air from the small oscillating fan made by Westinghouse. The sheets were always clean but never actually cool.

    I never trusted the sheets anyway after discovering a scorpion hiding between them one night.

    But it was the sound of the frogs around our pool here on Cardinal Drive – particularly after a rain – that drew me to those hot muggy nights of Grimes County, Texas where I was raised. My grandmother’s wooden house made from a retail catalog blueprint had many design flaws, but its one awesome feature which had nothing to do with the design really, was the magical pond (or tank, as we called it in East Texas) behind her house.

    The tank was the focal point of my only-child imagination play stories during the day, but it was the tank’s music of those summer nights I hope will never be erased from my memory. Specifically, it was the frogs, or bull frogs as my grandmother used to call them  just before we drifted off to sleep. The low guttural sounds were always behind the house and were somewhat subdued until every light was turned off at night. But then, those frogs got louder and louder until they hit a mighty crescendo. My grandmother and I laughed out loud when we heard them.

    The frogs who live in our backyard on Cardinal Drive are rarely as raucous as the bull frogs in my tank in Richards – I think they are smaller frogs. But occasionally I hear one of those loud guttural sounds looking for something, probably safer water supplies, and I am transported to different days. To a grandmother who guided me with her wisdom – now to a woman who loves sharing another summer solstice with me.

    *******************************

    I was blessed with a loving, eccentric (translate close to dysfunctional), family who in the end gave me what they could – so much more than I realized. What I wouldn’t give to see them all again, but Lawdy, Lawdy, I sure am thankful for our air conditioning. Frogs or no frogs.

     

  • When Insults Had Class

    When Insults Had Class


    When Insults Had Class

    “Some cause happiness wherever they go: others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

    “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

    “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend…if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

    “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

    Now that’s funny…

    In March, 2007, I was working on a collection of stories that became my first book Deep in the Heart: A Memoir of Love and Longing. One of the few friends I asked for beta reader feedback when I was writing that book was Nekki Shutt, who I met when she moved to South Carolina from Florida to be near her grandparents and attend law school at the University of South Carolina in the early 1990s. She was young, ambitious, a hard worker and became a driving force in the queer community at an early age. We became friends, sister activists, and have continued to laugh with each other for more than thirty years.

    On March 09, 2007, I received an email from Nekki with the subject line “When Insults Had Class!” Good inspiration for your writing, she added.

    The quotes featured above from Oscar Wilde, Mae West, George Bernard Shaw, and Winston Churchill were included in that email I saved for eighteen years because I collect words that entertain me. I hope they entertain you, too.

    One final quote from that email was from Groucho Marx, of the famous comic Marx Brothers. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

    I can say without hesitation any evening with Nekki Shutt is a wonderful one; guaranteed to be full of fun, loads of irresistible laughter, and conversation that will spark the imagination.

    On the other hand, beware Nekki Shutt in a courtroom. Congratulations to a courageous woman who celebrated her eighth anniversary this week as a founding partner in the firm Burnette Shutt & McDaniel, PA. She also was sworn in on May 15th. as the president-elect of the SC Bar Association.

    What I admire most about Nekki, however, is her love and loyalty to friends and family because that’s a core value we share in addition to our commitment to equality and justice for all.

    Nekki, Pretty, Francie and me at T’s belated birthday bash

    I remember when insults had class – but barely – I think I’ll keep this email a while longer.

  • Fun with Dick and Teresa

    Fun with Dick and Teresa


    Pretty’s birthday party at home of dear friends Dick and Curtis

    Saskia and Pretty all smiles while Curtis keeps watch over candles

    Dick’s birthday was the day after Pretty’s – much merriment at the dinner table

    (Dick, Bill, and Saskia share laughs)

    a toast for Saskia who became an American citizen this month

    she and her son Finn have been family to us for as long as I can remember

    Curtis, Saskia, Finn, Pretty, Dick, me, and Bill

    thanks to Curtis for the group photo!

    A jolly group – thanks to 14-year-old Finn for lowering the group’s average age, and no thanks to Dick and me for doing the opposite.

    Happy Birthday to Pretty and Dick! We celebrate friendships that have stood the test of decades with laughter and love – that anchor holds us together, and we are grateful.

    **********************

    P.S. Strawberry birthday cake and chocolate covered strawberries courtesy Always Original Bakery in West Columbia. Strawberry cobbler courtesy of Curtis. Strawberry jam made by Saskia. Who thinks Pretty loves strawberries??!! Yummy!!

  • saying goodbye to Carl – the day before

    saying goodbye to Carl – the day before


    “I came to cheer you up,” announced three-year-old Molly as she pulled me the three steps from the carport to the back door of the kitchen. I told her thank you so much and how happy I was to see her, how much I’d missed her and her big sister five-year-old Ella who was galloping ahead of us with her mother, Caroline, and Nana. Molly’s words made me smile – she had already cheered me.

    Caroline had called earlier in the afternoon to say she and the girls were coming over to cook dinner for us that night since we had told her and our son Drew we had asked a veterinarian to make a house call to help us say a final farewell to our little Carl the next day. Since she had been the vet we used when we needed this assistance with our big guy Spike six weeks ago, she was familiar with our location and made the appointment for Friday, the 9th. of May.

    The little girls were like a tornado of energy – their laughter, moving at warp speed all over the house and back yard leaving a path of destruction in their “tree house” and our den – provided a welcome distraction for Pretty and me from the pall that enveloped our house for the past few days of waiting for the inevitable. Caroline got busy in the kitchen and cooked a delicious shrimp creole dish for us. For dessert, she’d even brought a yummy key lemon pie.

    “Let’s take a family photo,” exclaimed Ella when her mother said it was time to go home. After all, it was a school night. Caroline shook her head, said it was past their bedtime, but I chimed in with Ella and argued I thought a picture was a great idea. I felt Ella was trying to postpone getting in the car to leave, but it was the first time she had asked for a family photo at our house so I was 100% on board.

    Ella, Nana, Naynay, and Molly

    I had hoped Carl would stay outside with us for the family picture, but we took too much time getting fixed. When we came inside and the girls were about to leave, I said for them to be sure to give Carl a hug on their way out, and Ella said, “Carl is going over the rainbow bridge tomorrow,” as she bent to give him a hug. Molly took off one of the four necklaces she’d found in Nana’s jewelry inventory and draped it on Carl’s neck. Caroline quickly intervened and gave the necklace to me.

    The girls ran to the car with their mother while Nana and I followed to say goodbye to them. We heard Caroline laugh and asked her what was going on. “Ella said she hoped Carl didn’t run into Spike over the rainbow bridge because there could be a bad fight.” Nana reassured Ella that nobody would get mad at each other on the other side of the rainbow bridge. Caroline added if anybody did get angry, there would be baby gates like Nana and Naynay had in their house to keep Spike and Carl apart.

    Nana and I agreed later that Molly, Ella and Caroline had cheered us, the perfect distraction for the sorrows to come in less than twenty-four hours.