I'll Call It Like I See It

by sheila morris

Category: Humor

  • Casa de Canterbury: A Retrospective – Part I, Summer


    Once upon a time on the corner of Canterbury and Manning in a city called Columbia lived a family of two lesbians and their dogs.

    And the family was happy in their home which they called Casa de Canterbury because one of their dogs (The Red Man) spoke fluent Spanish.

    For years and years the old woman Slow and Pretty and their dogs lived in the casa which saw seasons come and go because that is the way seasons act.

    The old woman Slow got slower and slower as her knees rebelled whenever she climbed or came down the 14 steps connecting the first and second levels of the casa. Even Pretty’s younger knees grew so angry with her she had to get a new one in 2016, but that really didn’t help her very much and didn’t help Slow at all.

    And so it became clear to Slow and Pretty they had to leave Casa de Canterbury for…what? new digs. So that is what they are going to do. They are moving west across the Congaree, Saluda and Broad rivers closer to Texas – but not much – to West Columbia, South Carolina, which is not to be confused with where Slow went to high school: West Columbia, Texas. How weird is that? Let’s hope she isn’t confused by this coincidence.

    As the family says goodbye to Casa de Canterbury, they invite you to take a little trip down memory lane with them through a few of the seasons at their casa over the next several posts. Enjoy.

    First day of summer, 2016

    one of Pretty’s bottle trees

    Charly’s first summer at Casa de Canterbury

    First figs of the season

    also possibly the last – the tree was never prolific

    Summer flowers

     

    a rose is a rose is a rose…by any other name

    Charly listens to the sounds of summer

    perfect place to cool off in summer heat

    so, so hot out there 

    (summer, 2012)

    did somebody say HOT?

    back yard in the summer of 2012

    tres amigos brave the heat

    Stay tuned for fall. Summer, fall, winter, spring.

  • Celebrate Good Times!


    What do weddings have in common with the Southeastern Conference women’s basketball tournament championships?

    Ding, ding, ding – and the answer is The Daily Double or, in the case of the 2017 Lady Gamecocks, The Annual Triple. That’s right, Sports Fans. This year’s Lady Gs are the gifts that keep on giving – over the weekend they won their third straight SEC Tournament Championship much to the delight of 8,000 fans who drove 100 miles north from Columbia to Greenville, South Carolina which was the site of this year’s tournament.

    (By the way, my new best friend ESPN analyst Nell Fortner was in the stands for the final game Sunday afternoon and finally “came out” as a Gamecock fan after the game when she donned an official baseball cap for the SEC Champions. Nell, Yes!)

    A’ja Wilson and Kaela Davis made the All-tournament team and A’ja was also named the Most Outstanding Player of the week to add to her laurels as SEC Player of the Year for the regular season. You know what I love about her? Everything. She plays with grit and gusto, a never-say-quit spirit that inspires her teammates to focus and finish.

    As for the rest of the Lady Gamecocks, you know what I love about them? Everything.

    As for Coach Dawn Staley? How do I love thee – let me count the ways…

    Which brings me to the weddings. Saturday afternoon I skipped the semi-finals of the basketball tournament to attend another event that made my heart sing. Two young lesbians were married in a gorgeous ceremony attended by their biggest “fans,” the family and friends who promised to stand with them as they began their life together.

    The setting was a pastoral one outdoors on a lovely farm at sunset. As the colors in the sky changed from blue to shades of pink and red, the two brides exchanged their personal vows mixed with humor, promises to be faithful and most of all, to love. The smiles on their faces as they turned to walk down the aisle between the rows of white chairs and benches for the guests were, I’m sorry I can’t think of another word, radiant.

    The party afterwards was perfect with tons of food, drinks and be merry to the tune of live music in the farm’s version of a barn which was way too fancy for anything with four hooves. For sure everyone there had two feet – and most of them were dancing. One of my favorite moments was the first dances with the brides and their fathers…

    A wedding and a 3-peat SEC Championship – a beginning and a finish – both the best of times and causes for celebrations.

    Life is good.

     

  • Nell on Wheels? Nell, No!


    sec-2017

    ESPN Analyst Nell Fortner and

    old Lady Gamecock fan

    P.S. Where’s Pretty?

     Big day of basketball Friday at the SEC women’s tournament in Greenville, South Carolina where the Lady Gs collared the Georgia Bulldogs to move on to the semi-finals later today. Go Gamecocks!

    Nell Fortner, who has coached at every level of women’s basketball including the 2000 Olympic Gold Medal team and is now a commentator for ESPN, had a birthday without a cake but with tons of fanfare!

    What’s not to love about Nell?

    Happy Birthday, Nell – you’re the best – be sure to talk nice about the Gamecocks!!

    P.S. P. S. Thanks mucho to the gay boys basketball buddies who multi-tasked as driver, food provider, and official photographer. Where was Pretty?

  • Mouth Almighty, Tongue Everlasting!


    562 people who like “Sheila Morris, Author” haven’t heard from you in a while. Write a post.

    Alrighty then. This is the first time a Social Media Monitor has scolded me about too few posts so I am jumping right on it.

    Let me begin by apologizing to the 562 people who like me on my Facebook Author page, and I will add my apologies to my 706 FB friends on my personal page who apparently have no advocate and my special apologies to the 18 followers I have within that 706 friends.

    I imagine there is some overlap in these numbers since I don’t have 1,268 people that give a tinker’s damn about me to be either a friend or follower or page liker. Regardless, the Social Media Monitor has now given me an “F” for failure to post, and I have always been an overachiever so this makes me feel very bad.

    I’ve had a few mitigating circumstances this week which should count as excuses for not writing a post, but they are quite lengthy and convoluted and, in the end, probably add up to be no more viable than the dog ate my homework. Sigh.

    Hey, wait a minute. I just checked the date of my last post, and it was on the 20th. of February. If I’m not mistaken, today is only the 25th.? So I am being reprimanded for not posting in the past FIVE days?

    Whoa, Nellie.

    Attention, attention, attention Social Media Monitor: you are way too quick to jump me this week…there’s such a thing as too many posts which might lead to my being accused of having a Mouth Almighty, Tongue Everlasting which is my new favorite saying that I learned from my good friend Kati last night while I was losing money playing Shanghai.

    I see this phrase re-appearing in future posts – I can think of a prominent person at this very minute whose Tweets represent a Mouth Almighty and a Tongue Everlasting. This should be fun.

    Stay tuned, and have a fabulous weekend!

     

     

     

     

  • Blog = Press = Get Her Outta Here!


    White House Press Secretary Spicey Spicer is expected to announce the deportation of lesbian blogger Sheila Morris, according to an unconfirmed fake news leak from the White House tweeted at 4:45 a.m. this President’s Day while most everybody else was still asleep.

    According to the Kiwi Leek, the blogger (a regular contributor of alternative facts) had been under suspicion since her fake reporting on Kellyanne Conway’s new Chief of Staff last week.

    Investigations into her social media accounts revealed she was seen singing and dancing to the music of Swedish group Abba last Wednesday night at a covert birthday bash in an Italian restaurant. That was the first hint of trouble – no one dances to Swedish music at an Italian restaurant.

    Further scrutiny indicated recent DNA ancestry showed the blogger has a 5% Scandinavian element, and everybody knows Sweden is a Scandinavian country.

    Apparently her outrage toward her Swedish heritage led her to be the Brains behind the Terror Attack on Sweden this past Friday night. Everybody knows that attack was planned in the USA.

    Although Sweden has not formally requested her deportation to that country for formal Crimes Against Humanity prosecution, Homeland Security is all over this threat to the American people before she ramps up more DNA attacks.

    What’s next? Ireland?

    The blogger was last seen being dragged out the front door of Casa de Canterbury as Pretty cried, “It’s a joke – she’s just trying to be funny!”