Category: Random

  • ‘Tis The Season


    Ok, I am clearly all over the board in this blog and have mixed new essays with excerpts from the book that was the ulterior motive for beginning  Essays with Humor in general and I’ll Call It Like I See It specifically.   The good news is one of my August posts has been published in a literary ezine called bioStories!   I’ve added the link to my blogroll here and hope that you will visit the site – it’s a very interesting concept, the stories are compelling and the editor was very encouraging to me.   I’d like to do the same for him.

    Since I find it impossible to develop a semi-schedule of writing for my posts here, I decided to forge ahead with my Thanksgiving essay a bit early this morning.   (My alter ego, The Red Man, has no trouble with his Rants and Raves and refuses to shut up which may partially explain my struggles here.)  

    I’ll miss Thanksgiving in Fingerville, South Carolina this year due to the vicissitudes of life, as my daddy used to say, but it will be with me wherever I am.

    SEASONS GREETINGS FROM FINGERVILLE, SOUTH CAROLINA

     

                Today is a day of giving thanks.  We cleverly named it Thanksgiving Day and have celebrated it for more than four hundred years in the United States.  I was surprised to learn that this tradition was actually introduced to the U.S. in 1565 by Spaniards in St. Augustine, Florida.  This newsflash made me feel a little better about the Texas Thanksgiving Day weather of my youth.  My elementary school textbooks portrayed pouty Pilgrims wearing ridiculously tall hats, oversized belt buckles, and heavy coats—all in black.  They invariably stood in deep white snow and appeared to be near freezing.  I recall being embarrassed at our lack of proper cold temperatures for Thanksgiving in rural east Texas.  If snow was good enough for the Pilgrims, it should have been good enough for us.  It makes me happy, then, to think that this holiday really began as a fiesta in Florida with lots of warmth and sunshine and people who knew how to party.  I have visions of tortilla soup, cheese enchiladas, and key lime pie.  (I’m not sure how we made the leap to turkey from tortillas or pumpkin pie from key lime, but that’s a question for another day.)

                Thanksgiving is still my favorite holiday because it is the most resistant to crass commercialism.  Halloween and Christmas have become impostors that pave the path to New Year’s Eve, but Thanksgiving remains the holiday for celebrating family and friends.  It is the lull between two storms that blow powerful winds of spending and of buying more of what we don’t need in larger quantities.

                When I was a child, Halloween was a night for wearing a costume made by my grandmother and walking with my friends to trick-or-treat in our little town.  We each carried small paper sacks to collect the few pieces of candy offered by our neighbors.  The highlight of the evening was the home that gave away homemade popcorn balls that were the size of tennis balls and had the rich aroma of freshly popped corn mixed with the white Karo syrup that held it together.  They tasted as good as they smelled.

    Sixty years later, I am astonished to see bags and more bags of Halloween candy in grocery stores.  I’m talking about bags.  I’m talking about the biggest bags you can imagine.  I’m talking about bags of every color with every kind of candy known to the human species.  Some of the bags are so big that they are difficult to carry.  Enormous bags.  Enough candy to last for years.  Take several, will you?  I’m drowning in Halloween candy.

    And I’m talking about decorations, too.  When did Halloween require stringing orange lights and black bats outside your house?  When did it get out of control?  Last year I stood with a large group of my neighbors who were mesmerized by the elaborate decorations of a house in our neighborhood.  The entire front yard was filled with ghosts in an array of positions and the ability to become animated when activated.  Our neighbor started the display regularly every night for two hours and did this for several weeks.  On his cue, the ghosts in the bluegrass band played country music and hymns as the other figures performed by popping up from behind bushes to frighten the children.  Seriously, hymns.  Hymns for Halloween.  Oh, yes, and yet another ghost repeatedly beat the head of one that tried to rise from a coffin.  People came from far and near to watch.  Halloween is officially an Event.  Put a special note on your calendar that October 31 is an important day in our lives.  We party.

    But, on November 1, watch out.  Clear the aisles.  Christmas candy—bags galore—has miraculously supplanted the Halloween candy, which is now half price.  Christmas decorations appear out of nowhere to signal the retail onslaught of the season.  If you think you’re seeing red, you’re probably right, because red is the signature color for this time of the year.  Red Santas, red stockings, red wrapping paper, red cards, red candy canes, red ribbons, red blinking lights—everywhere you look, you’re seeing red with a splash of green or gold or white for emphasis.  It’s time to buy.  A gong has sounded, and no payments will be due on anything until next year.  Thank goodness.  Because we won’t be able to afford them this year.  We must decorate.  We need to get out our trimmings to make sure they’re blinking properly, and, of course, we’ll need to buy some new ones, too.  The season demands it.  Something old.  Something new, nothing borrowed, nothing blue.  Mostly something new.  Definitely something red.

    The march is on, and good cheer has a price.  Merry gentlemen, God doesn’t rest ye.  O Holy Night, you’re not really silent.  As a matter of fact, you’re all about the noise of cars and planes and people in a hurry to get somewhere.  It’s time to travel, and the highways and airports are hubbubs of activity.  We are rocking around the Christmas tree.  Every creature is stirring on the night before, during, and after Christmas.  Hallelujah.  Let’s make it a chorus.

    Sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas is the poor relation, Thanksgiving.  On this lesser holiday, I am thankful for the memories of my family and our life before cell phones interrupted us while we feasted at the tables of my grandmothers.  I am thankful for a grandmother who got up in the wee hours of the morning to put a turkey in a large cooker that was used only twice a year.  I can still smell the aroma that permeated our whole house by the time we got up on Thanksgiving morning.  The turkey was on its way to perfection.  I am grateful to that grandmother for working ten hours a day, six days a week so that we would have a roof over our heads and food to eat.  I feel her love today as I felt it then, but now I know how fortunate I was to have her in my life—and I also know that not everyone is so lucky.

     My daddy used to tell me it was pointless to compare my life to someone else’s.  He said  I could always find someone who had more than I did, or look in another direction to discover someone who had less.  My daddy was a wise man.  Today, I count my many blessings, and, as the hymn says, I name them one by one.  For the father who insisted the whole earth was my territory and who tried to show me as much of that world as he could, I am thankful.  For the mother who wrestled her own demons as she tried to accept her daughter’s differences but never quit loving that daughter, I am thankful. For the partner who knows me inside and out and loves me for who I am, I am thankful.

    I celebrated last Thanksgiving with my partner Teresa’s family.  We drove from our home in Columbia to the First Baptist Church of Fingerville in the upstate of South Carolina where she is from.  (No kidding.  The town’s real name is Fingerville.)  This wonderful extended family from her mother’s side gathers in the fellowship hall of the church every year to eat an evening meal and to remind each other that family differences don’t necessarily mean family disconnections.  Although politics and religion are divisive issues and shelved as topics of conversation during the gathering, the gossip surrounding the activities of children and grandchildren are fair game.  The aunts and uncles who are older now speak volumes without words, and the simplicity and sameness of the party suggest a time long ago and far away.  In the midst of a truly southern meal, our souls were nourished.

    Three different kinds of cornbread dressing went well with either the turkey or ham.  Several dishes of creamed corn, sweet potato casseroles, green beans, black-eyed peas, fruit salads, and green salads completely filled the main tables in the fellowship hall of the church.  A second large table was reserved for the desserts that included pumpkin and pecan pies, coconut cake, lemon pound cake, and an assortment of Krispy Kreme donuts.  Drinks were available in the kitchen that was adjacent to the dining area of the fellowship hall.  Sweet and unsweet iced tea and coffee provided the right amount of caffeine to make sure everyone stayed awake during the ride home.  It was a feast, and an exact replica of the meals I had in Texas for Thanksgiving.  No wonder Teresa and I were happy—our families shared the same recipes!  I miss the ones in my family who are gone, but I’m fortunate to have another one that welcomes me to their table.

    Whether it was the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock or the Spaniards in Florida or some other group yet to be recognized, I salute this day of giving thanks.  It’s a meaningful one for me and suits my tendency to ponder.  For those of you who prefer the orange lights of Halloween and the white lights of Christmas, I wish you joy and strands that are easy to untangle.  I also fervently pray to the Gods of All Holidays that Thanksgiving candy and Thanksgiving outdoor decorations are hereby permanently prohibited.  Amen.

  • Answer: 300 Million Dollars A Day


    Question:  How much does the United States spend on the War in Afghanistan?

    Sigh.   If only I’d been watching Jeopardy instead of 60 Minutes last night.   If only The Good Wife hadn’t moved to Sunday nights for the new fall season in 2011.   If only the football game on CBS had ended on time so I wouldn’t have gotten started watching 60 Minutes because I wanted to know when The Good Wife would actually be coming on later.   If only I’d remembered my New Year’s Resolution to avoid TV news shows at all costs.  

    But no, I wasn’t watching Jeopardy.  Instead,  I got hooked on a segment of the  60 Minutes  Sunday evening news program commemorating the anniversary of the ten-year War in Afghanistan and an interview with the two men responsible for its, ahem, conclusion.   As if. 

    So the interview goes by swimmingly with numbers rolling off the tongues of men who look stern and tired and unhappy to be where they are, including the interviewer.   Number of American lives lost so far?   1,800.   One thousand eight hundred men and women no longer with us or their families and friends.   1,800.   Gone.  Immense, immeasurable, staggering loss.

    Number of dollars spent so far?   Half a trillion.   I don’t even know how many zeroes to put in half a trillion.   I’ll call it a gazillion and I’ll break it down into smaller numbers so we can all relate to it.   Let’s see.   That would be about two billion dollars a week or 300 million dollars a day.   Oh, okay.   That’s easier to understand.   If we put this in Powerball lottery terms, we’re spending 20 Powerball lotteries of 15 million dollars each on a daily basis in a country that hates us on a war that will never be over and wonder why we have an uncontrollable federal deficit.   Seriously.   As my daddy used to say, the inmates are running the asylum.

    Oh, and the two men responsible for bringing this war to a successful conclusion?    The same team that helped to end the insurgency in Iraq.   I kid you not.

    I will not watch TV news shows.   I will not watch TV news shows.   I will not watch TV news shows.   Maybe if I don’t watch them, the news will vanish Without a Trace, which is what I prefer to watch along with The Good Wife.

  • My Rich People’s Eye


    Here’s another essay just finished and hot off the presses…comments?

    MY RICH PEOPLE’S EYE

     

                The surest method I’ve found for beginning a new nonfiction work is to start writing fiction again.   When I speak about writing, albeit infrequently these days,  on panels or in workshops or in my friend’s writing classes at the University of South Carolina, someone always asks me why don’t you write fiction, with the less than subtle implication that fiction must surely be every writer’s dream and the most compelling of all literary art forms.   You know who you are, short story writers and novelists-to-be and fiction reading enthusiasts everywhere.   I applaud you.   I salute you for your loyalty to the genre.   Unfortunately, I find it impossible to join your ranks – yet.   I’ve tried.   God knows I’ve tried.   This week I dusted off my trusty Cowgirls at the Roundup short story a/k/a historical romance a/k/a blistering lesbian passion novella a/k/a my version of Beethoven’s Unfinished Symphony.   When I woke this morning, eager to resume my writing about lesbian cowgirls in Texas in the early 1900s, I lay in bed a few minutes too long.

                I have a game I sometimes play by myself in bed.  Aha – see?  I could maybe turn this into a sexual story about women’s libido in their sixties and all the women who read this will be immediately captivated by the topic and wait with panting breath because they want to know if there is sex after sixty.    And possibly a few of the men, too, although the men are fairly confident there is.   Good news, or bad news, depending on your sexual appetite, I can assure you the sexual self lives on.   However, that game isn’t what I’m playing by myself in bed today.  No, the game I’m talking about is the difference in how we view our world.   I call the game My Rich People’s Eye.

                My game started simply and it’s been such fun I play it over and over again.  But first, the back story that led to the creation of the game.   I feel like Milton Bradley must have felt when he developed The Checkered Game of Life and other equally entertaining board games.   Exhilarated with the creative process.   Practically giddy.    You see, earlier this year I had scheduled cataract surgeries in both my eyes.   Yes, yes, I know.   This is what old people talk about all the time.   Their health… blah, blah, blah.  I can remember when I used to say why do old people always talk about their health?   This was when I was under fifty.   Now that I’m sixty-five, I totally get it.   But, I digress.

                When I made my initial visit to the ophthalmologist who was to perform the typically routine surgeries, he mentioned I had a choice for my new lens.   The Medicare lens which I qualified for would cost me approximately $200 per eye and would correct my nearsightedness roughly 80 – 90% within a few weeks following the surgery and he could almost guarantee I wouldn’t need to wear eyeglasses except for reading and close work like computer work, which by the way in case you’re wondering, was my only form of work.   So far, so good.  There was, however, a super deluxe eye treatment available which Medicare didn’t cover and the cost of that eye lens was approximately $2,000 per eye but  it offered all sorts of advantages with top-notch reading vision as well as distance correction.  In other words, it was The Bomb.   I quickly told my doctor I would take the Medicare eye since my current budget wouldn’t allow the additional expense.   No problem, he said, and made the notation in my chart.   My first surgery was scheduled for June 23rd on my right eye and July 5th. on my left one.

                At some point not long after my initial visit with the Eye Doctor with two kinds of eyes for the choosing, I was discussing this interesting dynamic of my perception of the Medicare Eye versus the Rich People’s Eye with a close friend of mine and out of the blue my friend told me she wanted to give me the Rich People’s Eye for my birthday.   I was astonished, touched, and, frankly, overwhelmed by her generosity but told her I couldn’t accept her largesse.   She countered with the irrefutable argument that it was her gift to offer and she would be disappointed if I rejected it.   So there you are.   In one of those quirks of fate and vicissitudes of life, as my daddy used to say, I called the Eye Doctor’s office and signed up for the Rich People’s Eye.

                Everyone who knew I was having the cataract surgery had a story to share about how uneventful it would be.   Nothing to it.   Outpatient surgery in the morning and return the next day for the doctor to do the follow-up review of his work.   What could be easier?   Indeed, the procedure went just like that for me.   I went in to the eye center on a Tuesday morning and came home with my Rich People’s Eye by noon.   The first thing I noticed was the difference in color and that’s when my game began.   The game goes like this:   I close my left eye and open my right Rich People’s Eye.  I went upstairs to my office when my friend brought me home and the room looked so bright and the gray walls seemed to be a different color if I closed my left eye. Magic!!   My right eye now sees life in vivid bright colors and my vision is nearly the same in that eye as it is for people who don’t have to wear glasses.

                So I can still play the game four months later because I never got even the Medicare left eye.   The evil gods of herpes zoster, or shingles as they are more commonly known, struck a mighty blow against my Rich People’s Eye two days following the routine cataract surgery and the battle was on.   Since I was familiar with these enemies from previous wars in the same eye, I wasn’t too surprised at their appearance but I was most assuredly unprepared for their ferocity.   It has taken four months, three doctors, two French hens and a partridge in a pear tree to send these evil gods away.   I can only now begin to contemplate a new Medicare left eye.

                In the interim, I play my game with no winners or losers because I have no actual opponents.   It’s simply me and my view of the world.  This morning while I played the game and lay in bed with my dog snoring quietly beside me, my mind drifted to how people see the world and then you know how the mind takes these strange curves like a good baseball pitcher throws?   Well, I thought of the activists who are engaged in a political movement known as Occupy Wall Street.  Hundreds of people are protesting their frustration with the disparity in assets and liabilities in the population of the United States by moving into and settling in the Wall Street financial district in New York City in a peaceful statement of dissatisfaction with the status quo.  It is a movement spreading to other cities in other states, and my mind made a connection to my Rich People’s Eye proposal versus my Medicare Eye option.   Wasn’t this really the heart of the problems in our world in a microcosmic view?   Game on.  

                 We in the United States are now beginning to experience the financial hardships not seen in our country since The Great Depression.   Our financial institutions that manipulate the markets which move world economies have a Rich People’s Eye and tunnel vision marked by greed and self-centeredness.   Hedge funds, smedge funds – they’re like casinos.   The House always wins.   Gone are the days when workers are valued for the quality of their work and not their abilities to take short cuts.  The amazing prosperity and wealth generated by some of the Baby Boomers in the Post-World War II Era of technological advances and innovations in communications have been the gold standard by which all nations measure their own achievements.   Are we as good as the Americans?   Are we better than the Americans?   Why aren’t we rich like the Americans?   And even if we have as much money as the Americans, why are they so cool and hip?   Thank God we still rank first in one category according to a survey published on AOL this week.  We are very cool.

                Now we see China and India and the Middle Eastern countries controlling much of the wealth Americans have created because we have sold our collective souls to the company stores as Tennessee Ernie Ford so aptly sang in the classic country lyrics for Sixteen Tons.  “You load sixteen tons and what do you get/ Another day older and deeper in debt/ St.Peter don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t go/ I owe my soul to the company store.”    Or in our case to Bank of America or Citigroup or Chase or Goldman Sachs or Beijing or Saudi Arabia or Kabul, et.al.   We are adrift in a sea of debt and the waves crash relentlessly against our shores without relief.

                Whew.   I need to play a different game.   My Rich People’s Eye has put me in a world of hurt and led to pondering and mulling over and ruminating to beat the band.   Truth seems to be stranger than fiction and much more stressful.   Let’s see.   Where did I put that Cowgirls at the Roundup manuscript?

                 

  • Self Pay


                   The temperature in the waiting room was cool as I signed the doctor’s daily appointment register at the front desk.  I was number eight on the afternoon’s sign-in sheet.  I looked at the line across from my name, and the moment I had dreaded for months was upon me.  I had played and replayed the question in my mind.

                 Any changes to insurance since last visit? Yes / No     

                I circled “Yes” and spoke to the young, attractive receptionist, who was intently focused on her computer screen and hadn’t appeared to notice me.  Her expression was harried, as if she was so far behind in her duties she would never catch up.

                “Excuse me,” I said.  “I circled ‘Yes’ today for change of insurance because I no longer have insurance.”  I looked apologetically at her and spoke in my best “inside” voice.  I didn’t want the other people in the room to hear me confess my failure to produce the key to the kingdom of good health care.        Her fingers froze on the computer keyboard.  Her reaction confirmed my biggest fears.  She sighed heavily and began to disassociate herself from her mental and physical connection to the World of Important Matters.  Without glancing at me, she began to rummage through manila file folders in a drawer beneath her workstation.  At last, she pulled a single form from a folder, wrote something on it, attached it to a clipboard, and pointed to a round glass holder containing four ballpoint pens.  “Fill this out and bring it back to me when you’re finished,” she said flatly.  “Bring an ID with you, too.”  She still hadn’t looked at me, and as I picked up the clipboard, I had a sinking feeling that I was wearing Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak.

                I selected a pen and sat down to complete the form.  It took me longer to pull my driver’s license out of the stubborn leather slot in my billfold than it did to finish the paperwork.  Name, address, telephone number, date of birth, emergency contact, social security number.  The remainder of the lengthy document required detailed insurance information, but that had been marked through with a large “X” by the receptionist when she handed me the form.  She had written SELF PAY above the “X.”  In red ink.  I felt a sense of impending doom.  

               I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t have health insurance, and I had recently celebrated my sixty-fourth birthday.  Eighteen months ago, my employment was terminated due to a medical disability from ophthalmic herpes zoster, or shingles, in my right eye and other places in my head and on my face.  I participated in my employer-sponsored COBRA plan during those eighteen months for ongoing coverage, but on day one of the month nineteen—BAM!  No more insurance.  I had explored alternatives for personal insurance policies, but costs were prohibitive.  Medicare, the government-sponsored program for senior citizens, wasn’t available until my next birthday.  Alas, I was like a tightrope walker on a rope suspended high above a river rising as quickly as the price of my medications.  I was alarmed.  No, beyond alarmed.  I was afraid of a future with no insurance safety net.

                I took the clipboard and ID to the front and laid it down on the receptionist’s desk.  She was again immersed in her computer screen and clearly involved in the World of Important Matters.  Then, without looking up, she said, “Thanks.  Have a seat, and I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”  My Invisibility Cloak worked well, I thought.

                I returned to the chair I had claimed and sat down.  I looked around the large waiting area and saw five other people waiting to see Dr. Thong—one of a group of four dermatologists who shared the practice.  Their business had clearly expanded in the ten years I had been an “established” patient.  The building was the same as when I first started coming to see them, but now the group occupied the entire space.  The entrance was moved, and the lobby area was much more elaborate.  A new, large, trendy flat-screen television hung from the wall to allow good visibility from any vantage point.  One of the major cable news networks showed financial data from Wall Street at the moment, but the sound level was appropriately low and inoffensive.  The brown faux leather chairs were definitely an upgrade from the uncomfortable ones in the previous lobby, too.  The quiet room shouted first-class.

               Two hands on a large clock on the wall near the front door marked our waiting time.  I was at twenty minutes when I heard the receptionist call my name.

           “Miss Morris,” she said.

           I rose and walked to her desk.  For the first time, she looked at me.  Not smiling or friendly, but she did look.

         ” Here’s your ID.  Someone will call you in a few minutes.”  She had placed my ID on the counter.  Was it possible my I nvisibility Cloak had been stolen while I listened to the financial news?

         I picked up my driver’s license and sat down again.  I busied myself for several minutes with re-arranging the items in my billfold so that my ID was easier to reach.  That done, I daydreamed about the old days when I had good health and little interest in doctors or insurance.  Occasionally, the door to the examination rooms opened, and a nurse called someone’s name.  At thirty-three minutes and counting, I noticed that only two of us were left in the waiting area.  Time must truly be money for Dr. Thong, I thought.

           “Miss Morris,” I heard.  I was startled from my musings about the lobby, doctors, medicine, and insurance.

          I stood and walked toward the smiling lovely young nurse who held the door to the examination rooms for me.  She was dressed in a loosely fitting blue uniform that looked like the ones worn by actors in the medical dramas on television nowadays.  Not the super-starched white uniforms of the medical series of the 1970s like Marcus Welby, M. D., but she looked good in blue.  She was pretty in that wholesome all-American look and seemed very efficient as she carried what I presumed was my chart.  Her smile belied her no-nonsense demeanor.

         “And how are we doing today?”  She motioned me to follow her past the maze of tiny rooms with the doors shut.

         “Well, it’s not my best day, but I’ve had worse.”  I walked as fast as I could to keep pace with her.

          She smiled on, indicating a room with an open door, and I went in first.  I sat down on the large, gray, leather exam chair with a thin layer of white paper pulled over it to prevent my germs from being spread to the next person.  The agreeable young nurse continued smiling as she sat on a stool across from me.  She studied my chart thoughtfully.

         “Are we having any new problems today?” she asked.

         “Actually, I am,” I replied.  “I have a new trouble spot on my face that’s been there for two months.  It’s probably like the other ones Dr. Thong biopsied last year, but he always wants to know about the ones that don’t go away.”  I had a history of malignancies from skin cancers on my face, and any lesions from the herpes virus that refused to disappear in a reasonable time were suspicious, according to Dr. Thong.  He was scrupulous about early detection of any potential problems.  I had always admired that quality in him.  An ounce of prevention was worth a pound of cure.  Wasn’t that what my daddy had always told me?

         I saw the nurse was taking notes, and I added, “Oh, and I got a tick bite about six weeks ago when I was in Texas.  It still hurts and itches, and I wondered if it’s okay.  It’s in an awkward spot at the top of my right hip, and I can’t see it.”

        “Tick bite,” she said, and wrote more.  Her good humor seemed to be fading for some reason, though.  The perky smile was gone, and that made me uneasy.  “I see you’re due for your annual full-body check today.  I also see you have no insurance.  Do you still want to do the exam?”

          I was taken aback by the question.  Was it possible to not have an annual check-up?  The thought had never occurred to me.  I had been having annual checkups, well, annually, for my entire life.  My mother took me every year when I was a child, and I continued each year of my adult life.  So, at sixty-four years of age, I’d had my share of regular doctor visits.  Of course, I reasoned quickly, maybe that just applied to my primary care physician.  The dermatologist might be different.  But, then, they had never given me a choice before.  What was going on here?  My anxiety level leaped ahead several notches.

         “Well, yes,” I said.  “I’ll go ahead with the full-body exam.”

         “Okay.”  Closing my chart, she stood up and went to a cabinet in the little room.  She retrieved a large neatly folded piece of white paper and handed it to me.  “Here’s a sheet for you. Get undressed, and Dr. Thong will be with you in a few minutes.”

         I took off my clothes and unfolded the white paper sheet.  It was enormous and unwieldy, but I managed to cover my naked body in what I imagined was an absurd look.  I now sat on paper and was covered with paper.  When I moved, the paper made an annoying crackling sound.  I was very uncomfortable and quite cold.  My mental state matched my physical discomfiture.  Would that man never get here?  I looked at my watch, and my 2:00 p.m. appointment had lasted forty-five minutes so far.

         Shortly thereafter, I heard whispered conversation outside my door followed by a quick knock and the appearance of Dr. Thong with yet another nurse.  They were both dressed in the same spiffy, blue, multi-purpose unisex uniforms.

         Dr. Thong looked remarkably the same every time I saw him.  He is a small Asian man in his late forties with flawless skin and an inscrutable expression.  His eyes betray nothing, but they are not unkind.  When I worked as a stockbroker before my retirement, he indulged in small talk and liked to give me his favorite stock tips.  He amused himself that way, and I was happy to have something to distract myself while he inspected my complexion.  Post-retirement chitchat was limited, however.

         “So, let’s have a look at you,” he said with no preliminaries.  He began with my hands and arms and made his way to my back.  “And, where is this tick bite that everyone is so concerned about?  Oh, I see it now.”  He muttered something to the nurse who wrote feverishly on my chart. 

         “Okay, nothing to worry about there.  It’ll get better on its own.”  With that dismissal, he moved around to the front and concentrated on my face.  “Now, let’s see this other problem a little closer.”  He hummed to himself thoughtfully.  “How long has it been there?”

         “A couple of months,” I said.  “It just doesn’t want to go away.”

         “Well, let’s see if we can make it go away faster.”  He motioned to the nurse, who handed him a contraption that looked like a bug spray can.  He gave three quick squeezes that made loud puffs of very cold air that hit the offensive red spot on my face.  Then, I felt an unpleasant burning sensation.  He took another look, appeared satisfied, and returned the can to the nurse, who struggled to write notes and handle the can simultaneously.

         “That should do the trick.  Very good luck,” he said.  “No problems.”

         “Thank you,” I said.

         He turned to leave and had his hand on the door.  “Anything else this time?”

         “No,” I replied.

         “Goodbye, then.”  He was gone.  No biopsies, no be sure to make an appointment for six months, no admonitions to wear sunscreen, nothing.  Just three puffs, and he was up, up, and away.  I sat transfixed and horrified by the visit.  I felt a “disconnect” between this doctor and my well-being.  I had a vision of being dismissed as an old woman whose health no longer required attention in a world of cheerful young medical professionals who moved briskly from one tiny sterile room to the next without making eye contact with the patients in those rooms.  It was a scary feeling.

         “You can get dressed now,” the nurse said.  “Just carry your chart to the checkout desk.  Follow the arrows.”  With that, she was gone, too.

         I glanced at my watch.  It was now 2:50.  My annual body check, complete with tick bite and face freezing, lasted approximately five minutes.  It took me longer to retrieve my driver’s license from my billfold for the receptionist. 

         I got dressed and followed the signs to the checkout desk.  A middle-aged woman wearing tiny reading glasses looked away from her computer screen to take my chart that now read SELF PAY.  I saw her comparing numbers in columns highlighted with different colors on a laminated sheet of paper.  Evidently, charges were relative, and she wanted to verify the amount for each procedure.

         “The total for today is $128,” she said sweetly.  “Will that be cash, check, debit or credit card?”  She paused, and then added, “I see no follow-up appointment is scheduled.  Do you think you’ll want to come back next year?”  Her tone was hopeful, and I saw she must be an asset to the practice by facilitating a warmer atmosphere during the payment process.

        “Debit card,” I said and handed my plastic card to her.  “I’m not sure about coming back, but thanks for asking.  I’ll call if I have a problem.”

        She quickly handled my payment and gave me my receipt.  I thanked her again and exited through the lobby area.   The hands on the clock on the wall showed 3:10 p.m.

         I officially joined the ranks of millions of Americans who are uninsured with little fanfare.  I now totally understood the magic of the phrase, “Your co-pay today is $35, and I’ll be happy to file your insurance claim for you.  May we schedule your next appointment?”  I complained each year that my co-pay increased.  I complained loudly that Dr. Thong was an “out-of-network provider,” which made my annual deductible higher for him.  And, of course, I complained regularly about the exorbitant cost of insurance.  Who didn’t?  It was acceptable cocktail-hour conversation.

        Now, we see through a glass darkly, I thought.

        In the spirit of fair play, I located my statement from my appointment with Dr. Thong the prior year.  I had two biopsies and an annual exam that day.  The office visit was $90, and the biopsies with laboratory analysis totaled $574.  I paid the $35 co-pay on the day of service, and my insurance carrier negotiated a reduction of $388 for reasonable and customary charges against the bill.  The insurance company eventually paid $45 to Dr. Thong, and I owed the balance of $196 to apply toward my annual deductible.  On the surface, my “self-pay” visit this year saved me $103.  Not to mention the fact that I no longer pay those outrageous insurance premiums.  Why don’t I feel better?

                  ———————————————————————————–

    The debate on healthcare reform and public policy in the United States follows the political fortunes of the fortunate.  In a country that prides itself on offering hope and freedom for all, we often reserve quality health care for the few who are wealthy enough to afford it.  The issues are complicated, and the systems and their operatives are deeply entrenched by decades of corruption and abuse that will make positive change a battleground for many years.  To sum up succinctly, it’s a mess.

    As my daddy used to say, “When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s hard to remember your initial objective was to drain the swamp.”

    On March 23, 2010, the Affordable Care Act became law in this country.  It’s an attempt to wrestle some of the alligators that love to snap at the reasonable objective of quality health care for every citizen.  This particular swamp won’t be drained quickly or completely, as an assault on the law continues by its opponents through the judicial system in 2011.   For me personally, Self Pay is over since I turned 65 in April of 2011 and am now covered by Medicare, but that’s another story with a different swamp of alligators.