I'll Call It Like I See It

by sheila morris

storytelling for truth lovers

  • Post Cards From The Heart


    April 30, 1908  I have FAITH in you, Bessie

    Dear Husband, I certainly expected a letter this a.m.  I went to the office and returned disappointed.  They are not going to have the supper Sat night, will have a play at the Hall for benefit of Albertville sufferers.  We may go if it is not too cold.  I tell you today is terrible.  Must have been a hail storm up above us.  Write me soon.  I am ever your wife,  Bessie

    December 23, 1908

    Dear Husband, Letter rec’d and contents noted.  But Sweetheart, I’ll be there Sat sure rain or shine or sick or well.  Mr. Moore {Luke’s father} told me not to go Friday but I had decided to go Sat anyway.  Wish you were here for the Xmas tree tomorrow night.  I’ll close for this time.  Love to all.  I am as ever your wife, Bessie

    The year is 1908, and it is a time before iPhones, iPads, 4G, 3G or any G…a time before AT&T and Verizon and Sprint cellular phones…actually, it is a time before phones.  Period.   Imagine if you will the days before communication was instant.  No email.   No Facebook.  No computers.  Not a Tweet to be had from a Twitter account.  No television with a weather channel and a forecast for the next seven days.  No fax machines.  The 20th century will see the beginnings and mindboggling development of a tremendous technological revolution, but it wasn’t happening in 1908.

    As the century began, it was all about post cards and letter writing.  Bessie Moore and her daughter Lucia were separated from husband and father Luke Moore.   Bessie and Lucia lived in Alabama City, Alabama and Luke lived and worked in Atlanta, Georgia.  He worked for the Atlanta Steel Co.   Bessie kept a journal of her life through the post cards she carefully preserved in an album which was sold this weekend in March, 2012 at a yard sale.   Think of it.  More than a hundred years later this collection of a woman’s lifetime is unwanted by her descendants or friends.  Ancestry.com would be appalled.  Luckily for me, my partner Teresa spotted it and brought it to our home.   I have fallen in love with this family and feel like an intruder when I read their notes to each other, but somehow I don’t think they mind.

    April 25, 1908

    Dear Husband, Letter recd this am.  I had just returned from meeting {sister} Hattie.  She looks so much better than she did Xmas.  Today is such a lovely day, sorry you are lonesome.  Will try and hurry up and get back as soon as possible.  I may go to Huntsville next week, do not know for sure.  I hope you have a nice time tomorrow.  I thought you would stay at Mrs. Smith’s perhaps this week anyway.  Had a little rain & wind storm here yesterday.  A cyclone at Albertsville. Killed (8) eight and some 40 injured.  Just awful.  Sent relief trains and physicians.  I forgot to tell you the atcil (sp?) plant has never run and liable never to from what I can hear.  With love I’ll close for this time. Will write tomorrow of course.  your wife, Bessie 

    And so I leave the Moore family this evening with you. Alabama is trying to recover in 1908 from a cyclone reminiscent of the tornadoes we’ve experienced in the south this week while  Bessie and Luke struggle with the loneliness of being apart much like the feelings Teresa and I have had during the past year we’ve lived in different places and spaces.

     Luke sends these Easter Greetings to Bessie at an unknown date with only the handwritten words shown below.

    Luke to Bessie

  • The Photo Finish


    In 1965 when I was a freshman in college my parents bought their first home ever in Rosenberg, Texas, after almost twenty years of marriage.   My dad was the assistant superintendent of the local school district and my mother taught second grade in one of the elementary schools in the district.   Since I wasn’t living with them, I’m not sure how the decision was made to hire someone to help with cleaning the bigger new house, but when I was home for spring break, my mom introduced me to Viola who was hired for that purpose.   When I returned to stay the summer with my folks, Viola was gone.

    I wasn’t sure what happened to Viola but was so self- absorbed I didn’t really care.   Early in the summer Mom informed me we would have a new woman who was coming to work for us and encouraged me to keep the stereo at a lower volume level on the lady’s first visit.   I was in a Diana Ross and the Supremes phase and preferred the speakers to vibrate as I sang along with Diana but I obligingly lowered the level for our new help.

    I needn’t have bothered.   Willie Meta Flora stepped into our house and lives and rocked all of us for more than forty-five years.   She became my mother’s truest friend and supported her through the deaths of her mother, brother and two husbands.   She nursed my grandmother and my dad and uncle during their respective battles with mental illness, colon cancer and cerebral palsy.   She watched over and protected and loved and cared for my family as she did her own.   In many ways, we became her second family and she chose to keep us.

    Willie and my mom shared a compulsion for honesty and directness that somehow worked to keep them close through the good times and the hard times in both of their lives.  They were stubborn strong women and butted heads occasionally, but most of all, they laughed together.   Willie’s sense of humor and quick wit kept Mom on her toes and at the top of her own game in their talks.   They also shared a deep love for the same man, my dad.   In her own way, Willie loved my dad as much as Mom did, and my father loved her and loved being with her right back.    His death broke both their hearts.

    Although Willie kept her own apartment, she and Mom basically lived together in the years following the death of Mom’s second husband.   Mom planned her days around the time near dusk when Willie would be there to spend the night with her.   Willie became her lifeline to maintaining her independence, and the two of them grew older and crankier as time passed.   Willie and I talked on the phone frequently and she began to tell me she was worried about Mom’s safety and getting lost when she drove around town.    I dismissed her fears and ignored the signs of dementia until Mom’s 80th birthday when it became apparent she had major problems in everyday living.

    Not long afterwards, I was forced to make a choice about my mother’s long term care needs and opted to move her to a Memory Care Unit in a facility in Houston which was a thousand miles from my home in South Carolina.   Why not move her closer to me?   A good question with a complicated answer that included my trying to keep her available to Willie and her family who could drive Willie to see Mom.    If my mother could choose between visiting with me or seeing Willie, there was no contest.   I would always come in second.

    Mom will be 85 next month and struggles with the ongoing physical and mental battles associated with Alzheimer’s in her ultimate race towards death.   This past fall I moved her again to a different residence that is still in Texas but much closer to my second home which is also now in Texas.   Alas, she’s two hours farther from Willie  and Willie has only been able to visit her once since her move.

    Willie will be 81 next month.   She and Mom have the same birthday month, and now they have the same disease.   We don’t talk on the phone any more because she can’t form words I can understand.   When I visited her yesterday, she didn’t recognize me and was uncomfortable with getting up out of her bed, just as Mom is sometimes when I go to see her.   Willie’s five daughters and three granddaughters are coping with the same problems I’ve faced with Mom – trying to keep her comfortable in a safe environment.   They have the additional complications of differences of opinion about Willie’s care and what the environment should be .   I decided being an only child has a few advantages.

    When I think of the strength of these two women and their determination to rise above their inauspicious beginnings in an era when women weren’t valued for their strong wills, I feel a sense of admiration and respect and gratitude for the examples they’ve been for me as they both loved me in different ways.   And I am struck by the similarity of their conditions in their last days.   Leora, one of Willie’s daughters, told me she thought Mom and Willie just might end their race toward death in a tie.   I’m thinking it will be a photo finish.

     

    P.S. Willie Meta Flora died April 14, 2012 and Selma Louise Meadows died April 25, 2012.

     

     

  • Detours With Daddy


    Detours with Daddy is the title of the third section of my third book I’ll Call It Like I See It  because it’s a mixture of facts and fantasy about my dad who was my best friend and favorite person in the world while I was growing up.   My earlier memoirs Deep in the Heart – A Memoir of Love and Longing and Not Quite the Same describe my adoration of my daddy who died when I was thirty years old.   His impact on my life was incalculable and I often wonder what he would have thought about my adult life as a lesbian activist.

    DADDY DREAMS

                When I woke up, the dream was still in my consciousness, and I had a strange sensation of crossing a threshold through time into another world.  I tried to remember…

    I see the car stop in front of a small building that looks vaguely familiar.  My grandmother, my aunt, and I get out of the car.  We’re not in a hurry as we climb the steps that lead to the door.  I notice that my grandmother and my aunt are very young and beautiful.  My grandmother’s hair is short and wavy and dark.  She looks like she just left the beauty parlor.  My aunt’s body shows no sign of the osteoporosis that plagued her in later years.  Her back is straight, and her walk strong and sure.  The two of them laugh and talk together, and I want to say something, but they ignore me.

    The little building has no windows and no sign.  I know that I belong inside, and I’m anxious to open the door.  My grandmother turns an ancient glass knob, and my aunt and I follow her into the room.

    The room is dimly lit with a single bulb attached to the ceiling.  My eyes struggle to make an adjustment that allows me to gaze at my surroundings.  At that moment the brightness changes like a dimmer switch has been turned up a notch.  I can see clearly.

    “We thought you’d never get here,” my dad says.  “You must’ve taken the long way.  You didn’t run out of gas, did you?”  He laughs and winks at me.  “I told you when you first started driving to always check the gasoline gauge, didn’t I?  Remember that?  You wouldn’t get far without gas, and you always had somewhere to go.”

    My father wears his World War II army air corps uniform with the wings on his collar and insignia on the sleeve.  The knot on his tie is perfectly tied.  He is handsome, and I am happy to see him.  His blonde hair has a military cut, and he, too, looks incredibly youthful.  He sits on a wooden bench in the room.  He looks comfortable and very much at ease.

    “Which way did you come?” he asks.

    “I came…” I start to answer.  “I’m not sure.  I had to pick up your mother and sister, so I left early.  I didn’t want to be late, and they wouldn’t tell me exactly where we were going.  Now here we are.  I’ve missed talking to you so much.”

    “We talk all the time,” he says and smiles.  “It’s a different kind of language, but it’s as real as the King’s English.”  He beckons me to sit next to him on the bench.

    “I’m so glad you have on your uniform,” I say as I sit down.  “I love that uniform.  When I found it in the cedar chest, I thought I could wear it, but it was too big.  Daddy, why didn’t you ever talk about the war?”

    “What’s there to say about war?”  He fingers one of the wings on his collar.  He has the prettiest hands, I think.  “What do you want to hear?”  He looks directly at me.

    “I don’t know, but I want you to tell me something.  Anything, I guess.  I saw the pictures, so I know it was real.”

    “Of course, you saw the pictures and played with the uniform.  That makes it real.  And now you’ve found the letters that I wrote to your mother and the other family members, haven’t you?  Isn’t that enough?”

    “Yes, I found the letters; and no, I don’t think it’s enough.”

    My father opens a box on the bench beside him and removes a piece of paper.  He closes his eyes and begins to recite from memory.

    December 28, 1944

    Dearest Darling,

                 I’ve often wondered if you couldn’t guess just how much I miss you at different times.  You know, sometimes you are the only thing that makes me want to be back there.  I could go on forever telling you that I see you everywhere I go, etc., but you’d enjoy that too much.  In not so long a time I’ll be back with you.  It already seems like ages to me.  Do you ever sort of forget about me, unconsciously, I mean, just forget?  That is one of the most horrible things I can think of.  Well, enough of that.

                Tonight some of the guys wanted me to play on the Field team, but I had a rather hard day so, for once, I refused a basketball game.

                Well, Baby, I must go to sleep, for I am very tired, but not too tired to say goodnight to the one I love.

    Yours forever,

    My dad opens his eyes and returns the paper to the box. He looks at me again.

    “That was the war,” he says.  “The day I wrote that letter I flew my first bombing mission over Germany.  I was nineteen years old and the navigator for my crew.  I was responsible for locating a town that we could blow up, and then for finding our way back to England.  Before that day I had been in training with my buddies.  We waited for orders that would allow us to prove our manhood.  We bragged to each other about what we would do.

    “When we touched the runway coming in from that mission, though, I felt sick, and it wasn’t from the altitude or lack of oxygen.  The smell of gun powder made my eyes burn.  The sounds of machine guns reverberated in my ears.  But, it was the sight of smoke and fire and devastation and death that made me write to your mother that night.  And fear.  Not the fear of dying, but the fear of being forgotten.”

    A dog runs past me and jumps into my father’s lap.  I don’t recognize the dog.

    “Dad, is this your dog?”

    “If it is, make sure it stays outside,” my grandmother says from behind me.  I stand and move away from the bench to see my grandmother sitting at her sewing machine.  She looks up from the contraption’s hammering needle and frowns at me.

    “How many times do I have to tell you that dogs belong out of doors?” she asks.  I have no reply because I can’t count that high.

    “Why do you live so far away?” she continues.  “You never come to see us.  Your grandfather isn’t well, and he wants to know if you’re going to be here for Father’s Day.  I told him you wouldn’t.  Then, I wondered why you wouldn’t.  Well, Miss Busybody who has so many questions for her daddy, I’m requesting an answer from you.”

    “I didn’t know he’s sick,” I say.

    “Who?  Who’s sick?” she responds with irritation.

    “You said my grandfather’s sick,” I remind her.  She shakes her head and pushes the pedal of the sewing machine.  The yammering noises resume.

    “I have a good job,” I say to her back.

    “You had a good job less than two hours away from us.  Now it takes days to visit you, if we can even find your house.  Are you telling me there are no good jobs any closer than a thousand miles from here?”  The machine whirrs faster.

    “You never come to see me,” I say.  “None of my family ever comes to my house for Thanksgiving or Christmas or my birthday, either.  It’s not fair for me to be the only one who travels every holiday.  One night I had to spend the entire night in an airport by myself.  I slept on a sofa in the security guard’s office, for heaven’s sake.”

    The sewing machine stops.  My grandmother stands up and faces me.

    “I didn’t move.  You moved.  You moved a long time ago, and a thousand miles away.  I’m young and stubborn.  You’re old and obstinate.  You get that from your mother’s side of the family.”  She laughs at her own joke.  I laugh with her because I’m glad that she loves me enough to miss me.

    “Thank God you can drive me home today.  Tell your aunt I’m ready to go,” she says.  She gestures toward the machine.  “That material was too flimsy and couldn’t hold the thread.  I’m leaving it for the next fool who’s willing to pay a ridiculous amount of money for thin fabric.”

    “Oh, Mama,” my aunt says.  “You’re such a mess.  Let’s not worry or fuss about something as silly as material.  You’ll get too upset over nothing.  I’m sure we can stop along the way and find you a different kind.”

    We walk to the door in front of us.  My aunt turns the ancient glass knob, and we cross through the portal together.

    The car is gone.

  • Prologue


    So you see how confused I am with this blog, don’t you?   I’ve been writing here for six months and am just now adding the Prologue to I’ll Call It Like I See It,  which for any of you who are new readers is the book I can’t seem to get published and the ostensible reason for the blog.   Sadly, no agents or publishers have jumped on my bandwagon despite my best efforts, but I continue to post.   Actually, the Prologue is a fairly recent addition to the book and I’m not sure why I’ve become so preoccupied with houses lately.   Regardless, this is my “test” Prologue which precedes the first section of the book “A Thousand Miles from Texas.”

    Good grief.   Too much information.   By the time I finish explaining, no one will care.

    PROLOGUE

                The house that occupied the address at 1021 Timber Lane was an unremarkable story-and-a-half red brick structure with a bay window on the lower floor that jutted out toward the narrow concrete walkway leading from the front door to the driveway of the two-car garage facing the street.   The first time I saw it in 1964, however, it reminded me of pictures I’d seen of English Tudor country homes with its dormered roof and cedar shutters, and I couldn’t imagine how it came to rest on a cement slab in Rosenberg, Texas.  My schoolteacher parents took me to see the house initially when I came home to visit them for Christmas break of my freshman year at The University of Texas in Austin before they purchased the place the following spring.  They were like happy, almost giddy children with a new toy and while I shared their excitement of finally having a home that belonged to our immediate family after eighteen years of rental houses and living with my mother’s mother, I was more interested in college life and the girls in Blanton Dormitory at school than I was in a house in a town I had never lived in.

    The women whose lives intersected with mine in that house on Timber Lane deeply impacted the person I am almost fifty years later.   My grandmothers, my dad’s sister, my mother, and her best friend who took care of our home and family through the Timber Lane years and beyond – all of these women walked the rooms of that house with me at some point in the time my parents called it home, and all of them loved me and supported me to the best of their abilities even though I was an absentee family member for over forty years except for random brief visits.   Life is about choices, and I chose to leave the safety net of this house on the concrete slab and the family it owned  to seek my happiness in other houses with other women in faraway places.

    I live in two houses in two states today and label myself a bi-stateual.   One of the houses is in Texas again where I care for my aging mother who has Alzheimer’s disease and barely recognizes me now.    The other is a thousand miles away in South Carolina where I’ve lived my entire adult life.   Recently I’ve realized we never really own our homes even though we may hold a title to them.   We’re really just passing through on a journey from here to there.   I haven’t quite made it to “there” yet, but I’m getting closer… and have earned the right to call it like I see it.

  • My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, But…


    My heroes have always been cowboys like Roy Rogers and The Lone Ranger and Sheriff Matt Dillon.  I loved the good guys back in the days when they were easy to identify.   Brave men who stood tall against  villains with black mustaches curling oddly around snarling lips – those were the best.   I wanted to be one of them.   You could have your Superman with his Big S on his chest but seriously, who would go flying around in an outfit as tight as his?   Come on, man.   That wasn’t believable.   Cowboys, on the other hand, rode beautiful horses and wore boots with their jeans or buckskin pants and had great wide-brimmed hats and no worries about kryptonite.   Their pretty girlfriends knew who they were and were prepared to wait for them while they fought their battles in the dusty streets and sage-covered hills.   They always won because they could outdraw or outsmart their enemies.   It was a perfect world.

    Sixty years later I still love my cowboys and living in Texas again is a strong reminder of their mystique in the Lone Star State of my birth.  The folklore that surrounds them and the  expectations of Hollywood happy endings in the midst of the vicissitudes of life have inspired me during good times and bad.   Thanks, guys.

    Life is about change, though, and I’ve had new heroes who don’t ride horses or wear six-shooters on a regular basis.   The Famous Heroes are household names and not surprisingly for a lesbian: women.   I could list fifty of them, but I’ll name ten.    Susan B. Anthony.   Gertrude Stein.   Barbara Jordan.   Gloria Steinem.   Geraldine Ferraro.   Ann Richards.   Molly Ivins.   Eudora Welty.   Meryl Streep.   Ellen DeGeneres.   These are the activists and authors and actors whose courage stands out to me.   The villains may not have mustaches any more but these women met them at some point in their lives and stood up to them through their words and actions.   You’ll be able to name your own Famous Heroes if you think about it for a minute.

    And then think about the Unfamous Ones – those heroes who are often unsung.   You know them.   They are the women and men who’ve lost children, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers and parents along the way and have kept moving forward in spite of their losses.   They are the parents who’ve encouraged their children to better themselves through education and who’ve put their money where their mouth is and paid that costly college tuition and room and board and books and hoped their kids would have better opportunities than they did.   The villains aren’t necessarily people any more, either.   Cancer, alcoholism, drug addiction, Alzheimer’s, divorce, betrayal,  politics at work, corporate greed, financial difficulties,  the Me First Culture of selfishness and self-centeredness are a few of the villains we may face today.   Our six-shooters don’t have enough ammunition sometimes when we fire away at these outlaws but our Unfamous Heroes don’t give up and find within themselves the strength to stand and deliver.

    If you live long enough, you’ll figure out the world isn’t perfect and you’ll definitely meet some nasty villains, but remember you aren’t alone in the battles.   Your heroes have gone before you.   May the spirits of those heroes ride with you and give you comfort and encouragement in the showdown moments of your life.