The Mystery of the Vanishing Book


I’ve been spending quite a bit of time at a variety of post offices around town for the past several weeks (thankfully!). Due to my lack of a personal assistant which I desperately need,  I do my own postage and handling for shipping my new book The Short Side of Time to purchasers throughout the country, and the best rate for shipping books is a clever one known as Media Mail which is only available at the US Post Office.

I’ve been shipping books Media Mail with Post Offices since my first book came out in 2007 and am pleased to report that I’ve never lost one book in the past nine years out of the several hundred I’ve mailed…that is, never lost one book until this year. All perfect records are meant to be broken (just ask the Gamecock men’s basketball team today) and alas, the perfect record for shipping  my books was ruined several days ago when I sent a book to my  friends of many years Sandra and Sandi who now live in Bluffton, South Carolina. They were one of the first to reserve a copy and followed through with a check as soon as the books arrived. I mailed their copy to them on Monday, January 4th. The expected delivery date was Thursday, the 7th.

To make a very long tedious nerve-wracking story short, their book had still not arrived at their home in Bluffton on Monday, the 11th, and the tracking number available online showed nothing beyond being received at the Forest Acres Post Office where I had taken it the week before. Nothing. Nada. No news on where it went from there – or IF it had gone anywhere  from there.

So I determined to track the missing book’s whereabouts and stopped at the Sandy Hills Post Office in the northeast around noon on the 11th  to mail other books and ask about the missing one. Sandy Hills is not one of my “regular” locations, but I thought, hey it’s all on a computer anyway so what difference should it make where I stop? Right? What possible difference?

A very pleasant heavyset man in his late fifties sat at a computer in a small retail section of the large Sandy Hills post office – an area that is rarely open, but that day it was. The other clerks at the front counter were very busy with several customers, and I heard the man at the retail computer ask if he could help anyone. None of the other folks in line seemed to show any interest in moving to the little retail counter so I took my packages and walked over to him. Let’s pretend his name tag read Harold.

I smiled, wished him good afternoon, and handed him my first large envelope. He smiled back and placed the 8 x 11 bubble envelope on his scale. I’d like to send this Media Mail, I said. At this request, Harold seemed to lose a fraction of his good humor for some reason.

“Media mail?” Harold asked.

“Yes, media mail,” I responded.

“What’s inside?” he asked.

“A book,” I said.

At this he began scrolling through his rates and told me it would be $2.72 for Media Mail as opposed to first class, priority, overnight rates, etc. which were all significantly higher. He also mentioned insurance, did someone need to sign?

“No, thanks, just Media Mail,” I said politely.  This didn’t suit him apparently.

“You know,” he began with a little sharper tone, “The Post Office has the right to open and inspect any items that are sent Media Mail on a random basis, and if this really doesn’t have a book inside, we can return to sender subject to a fine.”

“Inspect away,” I said cheerfully. “I can assure you this is a book. I ought to know – I actually wrote it.” And then I gave a little laugh to make sure he knew I wasn’t trying to get smart with him.

“Oh, you wrote it,” Harold said and his tone changed again in an attempt to become Mr. Nice Guy as he made his final calculations for the postage due. “What kind of book is it?”

“It’s a collection of essays from a blog I write,” I said and at that bit of information, he stopped working on the packages and another slight frown crossed his face.

“Essays? Hm…” By now he was merrily stamping Media Mail on the outside of my packages.

“Yep, essays,” I said.

“Have you written any other books?” Harold continued.

“Yes,” I said.

“What kind?” he paused and looked at me.

“Oh, two memoirs and another collection of essays,” I answered breezily and with just a twinge of pride. As if to say, thank you for giving me the opportunity to let you know I am not just a one-book wonder.

“Hm,” he said again with obvious distaste and a much larger frown which was puzzling to me until he had one last question. “Have you ever written anything,” and he stopped as if he were trying to think of the word, “like a novel?”

Ding! Ding! Ding! Harold, like most people in the world, believed the only real books were fiction.

I laughed and said no I can’t write fiction because I’m not quite imaginative enough.

“I can see that,” Harold said.

Hence, the title of my post today is an attempt to give all fiction lovers hope for my blogs in 2016. If I could write fiction, I would be a mystery writer.

P.S. Sandra and Sandi received their book yesterday somehow, and I was relieved that Media Mail had once again proved reliable. Mystery solved – probably thanks to Harold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About Sheila Morris

Sheila Morris is an essayist with humorist tendencies and a passion for photojournalism. She has published four nonfiction books including two memoirs, an essay collection and a collection of her favorite blogs from I'll Call It Like I See It. She has been blogging for seven years as her alter ego, The Red Man, her rescued Welsh terrier but now is reduced to writing as herself since the Red Man left Casa de Canterbury for good in February of 2016. She is a displaced Texan living in South Carolina with her wife Teresa Williams and their dogs Spike and Charly.
This entry was posted in Humor, Lesbian Literary, Personal, Slice of Life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to The Mystery of the Vanishing Book

  1. Luanne @ TFK says:

    I got so excited at the title because of Nancy Drew! I loved imagining you taking on this seemingly benign but possibly diabolical man. You did well to keep your cool. So glad they got your book!!!

    Like

  2. Harold must be stamped from the same mold as “Longface Man” at the local farm stand. Once I bought a bunch of sunflowers and several eggplants for a still life. Longface wanted to replace an eggplant because it had green spots. Oh, no! It’s perfect for a painting!! Excited to be in the presence of an artist he asked, “You paint in oil?” Watercolor. His disappointment was a physical being.

    Critics everywhere.

    Tell it, sister! Keep it in reality 😀

    Like

    • Good morning, Ann…that story is hilarious! Yes, Harold and Longface Man are no doubt first cousins!! They have such high expectations from their artists and such definite opinions…isn’t that hysterical? I know that entertained you once you got past the feelings of guilt that you are an artistic failure…:)
      I wanted to rush home and reach for my Cowgirls at the Roundup story (which I have apparently set aside one more time!) after my conversation with Harold.
      Today is a big day for me – I’m turning in my “real” manuscript to the USC Press this afternoon at 2:30.
      Committed to Home: Chronicles of the Queer Movement from a Southern Perspective, 1984 – 2014.
      I’ve been working on this for more than two years now, and I’ve about made peace with letting it go.
      I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now that my part is finished!! Teresa tells me I can help her in the antique business – I’m not hopeful. 🙂

      Like

      • When you write the next CatRup (hmmm…) installment please resend the link. I can’t figure out how to sign myself back in. Don’t want to miss your very good “real” writing. 😀

        I have been afraid to ask about your manuscript, hoping you were nearing completion. It is very hard to let a child of our creation go on to its intended life. I am very excited for you, and look forward to reading your history.

        I can see you at the antique market telling colorful background stories about how the items came to be for sale. Harold can take lessons from you. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, turned in my manuscript yesterday a.m. and then went to eat with T for a celebratory lunch – even had a screwdriver! Unfortunately, my illustrations weren’t able to be opened in the zip file I sent so I hope I’ve redone them in the right way. I will take them again on Tuesday since Monday is MLK day. The text had no problems so that was good. I have been a wreck.

        Like

  3. I’ll bet. You and T need a few more breakfasts out. This is a good weekend to just be, since there’s little you can do anyway.

    You are one hell of an amazing woman. Many of the younger members of the community will be thrilled to have this history. I know they will add to it as they live through and document their stories. But trail blazers are always much loved and admired!!

    Liked by 1 person

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