stuck in the Middle with you

Due to the writer’s strike across America, I have been asked by Fox News to lead a team of writers that will flush out their programming for the Republican presidential primary debate on August 23rd. Wise men say only fools rush in where political operatives fear to tread so I quickly accepted. My team consisted of campaign speech writers I designated Captains from all candidates who qualified for the debate not to be confused with all qualified candidates, and at our first meeting we met during cocktail hour somewhere.

I think we should begin with prayer, I said to the group, and Pence’s Captain immediately bowed his white head of perfectly coiffed hair. No, no, Pence Person – I meant prayer to start the debate, not a prayer for our meeting. Oh, he said as he swatted a fly swirling perilously close to his head. I sighed as everyone else in the room shifted uncomfortably. I made a note No Prayer, too controversial.

Moving on, I said. Does anyone have ideas for entertainment to pump the Nielsen ratings with a larger viewing audience for the debate, something to attract the Movable Middle which traditionally ignores all debates? Think out of the box on this one, I continued. To get us started, why don’t we come up with a new theme song?

I’ve got an idea, the Christie Captain said enthusiastically. How about a Stealers Wheel Tribute Band singing Stuck in the Middle with You? We could even ask band members to wear pink baseball caps with “I’m a Real Republican” logo.

Okay, I responded. Let’s take a look at the lyrics:

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight, I’ve got the feeling that something ain’t right.
I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair, and I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs. Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right. Here I am stuck in the Middle with you.

A buzz filled the room, heads nodded approval vigorously, and spontaneous applause erupted. One hand in the back of the room, however, was timidly raised during the clapping. Excuse me, the Ramaswamy Captain said, but what kind of band is a stealers wheel band, and do we really want to highlight stealers during a debate featuring the leading candidate who is currently facing 91 felony charges across his criminal indictments?

Suddenly the room got very quiet.

Heck, yeah, the Christie Captain answered, but I sensed a change in the atmosphere. Not so fast, my friends, I thought.

Hm. I made a note: No to Stealers Wheel band, Yes to new theme song; contact Kid Rock and Lil Wayne about performing.

Okay. Great work, group, I said. I’ll send my notes to Fox. That’s enough for today. Meeting adjourned.

(Cocktails and light hors d’oeuvres courtesy of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas if you can contribute $1,000 to his next Bahamas vacay. Hey, nothing from nothing leaves nothing.)